I Lift My Eyes Up

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. 

Remind me that my days are numbered - 

how fleeting my life is.

You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.

My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;

At best, each of us is but a breath.

Psalm 39:4-5

Taking a break from the poverty study today to write about some things that have been going on this week.

Recently I have found myself becoming irritable and grouchy about the silliest of things. This isn't like me, but I didn't even realize it was happening until this past Sunday night. I went to church and we were starting a dating series. I expected to be loaded up with a lot of tips on how to avoid crossing boundaries or advice on finding the right "one," but I found so much more than that. I walked away from that service completely changed.

And by "completely changed" I mean that I'm working on it ;)

Throughout the course of the evening, I realized that I have not been taking the necessary steps to becoming who God created me to be. I've been discontent - and very verbal about it. I've been frustrated and angry and stubborn. I was thinking that I could find happiness by doing the bare minimum to get by. I don't really have a desire to date right now, but when I do again I know that I'll be looking for someone who meets a particular set of standards. And how can I expect someone to meet those standards if I haven't yet met them myself?

God has so much work to do in me if I will only let him. If I will only stand still long enough for him to speak...long enough for him to show me the wondrous things he has for me.

Since graduating and moving back here, I have found myself in a sort of waiting period. I have two jobs that are in my area of study, but neither of them are what I really want to do. I'm in limbo as far as where I am living and finding a more permanent place. I can't really pursue a full time or long term job until the next two years of grad school are over. Therefore: limbo. And it's so difficult for me to handle. I just want things to move forward. I want to make things happen. Right. Now.

It wasn't until last night when I was reading a book on change and growth ("Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist) that I realized that sometimes God puts us in waiting zones for a reason. They aren't just a phase to "get through." God has plans for us even during these times of limbo. And instead of just trying to push things along and figure out what's next, perhaps I should be asking God what he wants for me during this time. How does he want to grow me? What can I do during this time to become the person he created me to be? How can I best use this time instead of wishing it away?

I have let myself become so much more about the smaller story - the story of me, my life, and my doings - than about God's bigger story. And I can tell you, firsthand, that it isn't worth it. There is nothing fulfilling about living for myself. For I am "merely a moving shadow, and all my busy rushing ends in nothing" (Psalm 39:6). This week has shown me that there is so much more joy in my life when I am starting each day by securing myself in God's word and his promises. The little things just don't seem as irritating as before and my problems seem much smaller. And all I have to do is stand still.

In my life, Jesus, be lifted high.

The Riches of Your Love

"Poverty is about relationships that don't work." 

I have been learning quite a bit about the problem of poverty over the last few days. Wendy McMahan has done a wonderful job of outlining everything in her podcast - Poverty: Unlocked. For instance, she explains how there were four main relationships established at Creation: 

1. Relationship with God (Spiritual)

2. Relationship with Others (Social)

3. Relationship with Nature (Physical)

4. Relationship with Self (Mental)

All of these relationships were broken in some way when the Fall took place. You can find each of these - the blame, banishment, painful toiling, and wandering - in Genesis 3:11-24. 

We see the results of this in the causes of poverty:

1. Lack of resources (Physical)

2. Lack of education (Mental)

3. Social injustice (Social)

4. Hopelessness of God seeming to not be near (Spiritual)

Poverty is about relationships that don't work. But Jesus came to do more than just save us from our sins. He came to reconcile all these relationships. Colossians 1:19-20 - "For God in all his fullness was pleased to live in Christ, and through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and earth by means of Christ's blood on the cross." 

Unfortunately, the church tends to focus primarily on just one of these relationships - the Spiritual - when we should be practicing "whole-ism" and focusing on all parts of Jesus' redemption. Sometimes we go into countries as missionaries and care more about getting people to pray a prayer than developing and growing them as disciples over time. Please note that I am not bashing missionaries in any way. This is definitely not always the case. But sometimes we fail to give people the whole foundation. 

After learning this, I looked at my own life and asked how I am serving in ways that promote long-term discipleship. This caused me to look at other areas of my life and realize that I haven't been doing a very good job at serving others. I have two jobs right now that involve me leading a group and establishing a plan for how things will be done. It has been very hard to motivate myself to do the work outside of our meetings when no one is standing over my shoulder asking if I have been doing it. My laziness is becoming a large obstacle in the way that I serve. Am I giving 100% to those that I am leading, or am I leaving everything to the last minute and arriving unprepared? I made a firm resolution to become better in this area of my life and to not let laziness overtake my resolve to do my best in everything. 

Jesus came to save us and reconcile everything to God. His blood reverses the brokenness that happened at the Fall.  

You tore the veil, you made a way

When you said that it is done

...there's no greater love than this. 

- Hillsong "At the Cross"

Food for the Hungry

I have been blessed with so much. Everywhere I look I see God's blessings in my life. I have amazing parents who support me endlessly. I have fantastic friends who make me laugh and are there for me in times of trouble. I have received a wonderful education and am now working two jobs in my chosen field. I have the amazing luxury of being able to pick an outfit for the day. I have never known a day of true hunger.

I have more than enough.

I am once again reminded of the unfairness of it all. Why am I so blessed? Why was I born into such circumstances while others are born in areas of starvation and disease? I did nothing to deserve the things I have been given. Where is justice?

As I have been exploring these questions, I felt the need for drastic change. I look around me and see a culture that pursues happiness above all else - even at the expense of others. I see a culture centered around food (for entertainment, not out of necessity) and material things. And I see myself, more and more, falling prey to the pursuits of this culture. I find myself eating out of boredom, totally missing the value of food as a necessary substance for living. I find myself growing more and more passionate about those who are suffering from lack of resources...yet not knowing what to do about it.

Taking all this into account, I made a decision. A five day fast and in-depth study of poverty and global hunger. I chose The Master Cleanse method of fasting because those who have gone through it claimed that they learned to really read the difference between true hunger and boredom. They also found themselves with more healthy and self-controlled eating habits when they finished. They craved natural, organic foods instead of the old refined and artery-damaging ones (think The Daniel Fast).

I am starting the study with a podcast called Poverty: Unlocked - a Christian relief and development podcast created by Wendy McMahan and Food for the Hungry. It explores God's heart for the poor, the injustice issue, and the Christian mandate. Right now I am ending day two of my ten day journey and have already learned a lot about the causes of poverty.

I am not sure where I will end up at the end of these ten days. It may still be unclear what my specific response to this issue is but I will have gained a solid basis of knowledge for pursuing this even further as well as a renewed sense of the value of food and of self control. I ask that you would pray for me during this time as I want to be completely open to whatever God wants to place before me. I want to be focused and receptive, and I know that I need God to sustain me and draw me closer to his word and heart.

I'll post some more updates throughout the next week and a half and tell you what I'm learning about. For now, bed time.

Craft Day

Yesterday was Craft Day.

Huge success. Made these wreaths to sell at a gift shop.

We'll see how it goes and perhaps I'll be making more soon!