I Lift My Eyes Up

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. 

Remind me that my days are numbered - 

how fleeting my life is.

You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.

My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;

At best, each of us is but a breath.

Psalm 39:4-5

Taking a break from the poverty study today to write about some things that have been going on this week.

Recently I have found myself becoming irritable and grouchy about the silliest of things. This isn't like me, but I didn't even realize it was happening until this past Sunday night. I went to church and we were starting a dating series. I expected to be loaded up with a lot of tips on how to avoid crossing boundaries or advice on finding the right "one," but I found so much more than that. I walked away from that service completely changed.

And by "completely changed" I mean that I'm working on it ;)

Throughout the course of the evening, I realized that I have not been taking the necessary steps to becoming who God created me to be. I've been discontent - and very verbal about it. I've been frustrated and angry and stubborn. I was thinking that I could find happiness by doing the bare minimum to get by. I don't really have a desire to date right now, but when I do again I know that I'll be looking for someone who meets a particular set of standards. And how can I expect someone to meet those standards if I haven't yet met them myself?

God has so much work to do in me if I will only let him. If I will only stand still long enough for him to speak...long enough for him to show me the wondrous things he has for me.

Since graduating and moving back here, I have found myself in a sort of waiting period. I have two jobs that are in my area of study, but neither of them are what I really want to do. I'm in limbo as far as where I am living and finding a more permanent place. I can't really pursue a full time or long term job until the next two years of grad school are over. Therefore: limbo. And it's so difficult for me to handle. I just want things to move forward. I want to make things happen. Right. Now.

It wasn't until last night when I was reading a book on change and growth ("Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist) that I realized that sometimes God puts us in waiting zones for a reason. They aren't just a phase to "get through." God has plans for us even during these times of limbo. And instead of just trying to push things along and figure out what's next, perhaps I should be asking God what he wants for me during this time. How does he want to grow me? What can I do during this time to become the person he created me to be? How can I best use this time instead of wishing it away?

I have let myself become so much more about the smaller story - the story of me, my life, and my doings - than about God's bigger story. And I can tell you, firsthand, that it isn't worth it. There is nothing fulfilling about living for myself. For I am "merely a moving shadow, and all my busy rushing ends in nothing" (Psalm 39:6). This week has shown me that there is so much more joy in my life when I am starting each day by securing myself in God's word and his promises. The little things just don't seem as irritating as before and my problems seem much smaller. And all I have to do is stand still.

In my life, Jesus, be lifted high.