How Did We Come to This?

It's one of those nights when you're at a friend's house and everyone is asleep but you're sitting at the kitchen table because you have so much work to do that sleep just really isn't an option. But, because you have so much to do, you automatically decide to do everything else instead...like update the blog that has been cast aside for two months.

Ugh.

Life has been absolutely insane over the past two months. At first it was exciting. So much to do. Sometimes the rush can be exhilarating. But then the rush becomes more of a trudge and exhaustion sets in.

That's where I find myself tonight. Utterly exhausted in every way and in need of a reboot. See? I'm so exhausted that I couldn't even think of a better word than "reboot."

 I've been reading a book with some friends called Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist, and this paragraph caught my attention:

"I miss all sorts of sacred and significant moments, because of my frantic insistence that I can do it all, and that I don't have to miss anything. I run from thing to thing, and then I fall into bed at night without even the space to think about the day. I wake up again to start it all over: more people, more food, more play, more ideas, more books. I'm ravenous, and somewhere along the way what started as a clean and lovely lust for life crosses over into a cycle of frantic activity, without soul or connection."

I have made myself so busy with all the rushing around that I can no longer see the beauty that surrounds me. There is no time to just sit down and read. No time to take a walk with my camera and capture the fantastic sunrises that greet me each morning. No time to even sit and think. And I tell myself that it's alright because I'm not hurting anyone. But how many people have I blown off or canceled plans with because something pressing came up that I had to take care of? How many conversations with acquaintances could have gone deeper if I had the time to sit and ask questions? How many promises have I made that I couldn't carry out?

As the age old saying goes, "Something's gotta give."

The show I am directing opens this Friday. Six more days. Six more days of insanity and rushing and putting the last touches on every little detail. I have no idea how it will all get done. But it will. It always does. And a peace like I have never anticipated before will come seeping in afterward. I cannot wait.

I just hope I do the right things with that peace. I hope I am able to re-evaluate where I am and where I want to be, and that I can start learning to be satisfied with "enough." That I don't have to rush around every minute of the day in order to have a full life. That sometimes it's okay to just walk for no reason or to sit and read for half the day or to spend time just writing and thinking. Because, as Shauna writes, "Full life is lived when the whole system works together, when rest and home and peace live hand in hand with taste and sparkle and go."

So wish me luck. And please. For the love of God give me a hug.