Grad School : Year 2

Around this time last year I wrote a post about the things I had learned during my summer session of grad school. So, after completing year #2 of the program, I have compiled a similar list. I left out most of the "textbook" learning - all the directors, philosophies, and techniques we studied.
You're welcome.


Things I learned this summer while studying theatre:

Young children are not the only ones who throw outrageous hissy fits. Grown men and women are just as susceptible. And it's ten times more awkward to watch.

When a professor has a hard time not interrupting students during their presentations, you can earn brownie points by asking for his or her opinion every ten minutes or so. Trust me. It works.

 As an actor - or any artist for that matter - it is completely unacceptable to choose apathy when it comes to current events, politics, and culture. Whether or not you care, you HAVE to know. You have to be informed and learn as much as you can about what's going on in the world. An actor must strive to be the most informed/knowledgeable person in the room. If we're not seeking to impact the world - a world that is constantly changing - then what are we doing? And how can we hope to make an impact if we have no idea what's going on? We must keep up with the dialogue of our time. 

Failures can be the best tools.

 It's important to constantly subject yourself to unfamiliar things. Watch movies that you know nothing about instead of only seeing ones that have good reviews, were recommended by a friend, etc. Find some music from an artist you have never heard of. Listen to all types of music. Look at different art or photography every day. Not only is this important for broadening your perspective, but it's also a great source of the inspiration that every actor/director needs.

It really is possible to have so many plastic surgeries that you are no longer identifiable as the human you were a few years ago. I have witnessed this firsthand.

When a professor begins a story with, "I got picked up at a lesbian bar once..." you know it is time to start a conversation with the person next to you about ANYTHING you can think of with the hope of tuning out the rest of the story.

The best advice I received: "Just press on and do your work."

Yes, the theatre has more technology, but these are changes in appearance, not substance.

Being open can be so rewarding. Sometimes I find myself not even willing to give something a chance. I learned this summer that just being open and available to new ideas and concepts can lead to a lot of learning and understanding. Maybe you'll like what you find. Maybe not. Regardless, the ride is fun. One day I asked one of my professors why he chose to take on one of the more bizarre productions he directed a few years ago. His answer: "It scared the shit out of me...so I did it."

"The future of the theatre lies in the universities and their training."
I want to teach students to do creative work, not just copy the commercial stuff they see.

Find something to appreciate in everything.

...

Overall, it was a pretty difficult summer. This year's workload made last year look like a trip to Disney World. There was a lot of drama (no pun intended) going on that made for a lot of tension. And, to top it off, we spent some time studying some very dark and disturbing forms of theatre that made me almost sick every time I walked in the room.
I found myself taking a lot of walks outside to try to process everything. One evening as I made my way back to the house, I sat down on the driveway and just watched the sky for a while. It had been a particularly awful day, but I suddenly felt an incredible reassurance that this was not all in vain. There is a reason. And I knew that someday I would be able to look back and see that all of the struggling, all the tears, all the long nights of studying and rehearsing, and everything else that goes into this fight will be worth it.

It is worth it.

I can't describe the peace that invaded my heart. My dear friend Olivia sent me a card a few months ago that just said, "You are exactly where you should be. You are doing exactly what you should be doing." And she's right. The Lord has led me here for a purpose. And as one of my professors so eloquently expressed it -

"It's absurd what we do. It's absurd. But we do it because we love it.
And we'll keep doing it." 

How 'bout a Round of Applause?

Before I write about anything else, I must take a moment to say, “Happy 2^nd Birthday!” to my blog. It has been two years since I made this blog as one of my New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve managed to be at least pretty consistent with keeping it updated.

So happy birthday, blog. This is probably the last time I will refer to you as if you were a live human being.

Looking back at my post from last New Year’s Eve, I had some goals for myself. No, I didn’t run a 10k (but I got awful darn close), and no I didn’t read 20 books (this whole year I thought I had set the goal at 15!). But here are the books I did read:

1. The Me I Want to Be – John Ortberg

2. A Little Bit Wicked – Kristin Chenoweth

3. Mis-Directing the Play – Terry McCabe

4. The Last Song – Nicholas Sparks

5. So You Want to Be a Theatre Director? – Stephen Unwin

6. Three Weeks With My Brother – Nicholas Sparks

7. The Kite Runner –  Khaled Hosseini

8. The Irresistible Revolution – Shane Claiborne

9. The Hunger Games – Suzanne Collins

10.  Catching Fire – Suzanne Collins

11.  Mockingjay – Suzanne Collins

12.  Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone  - J.K. Rowling (for the 2^nd time)

13.  Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – J.K. Rowling (ditto)

14.  Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – J.K. Rowling (ditto)

15.  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – J.K. Rowling (ditto)

16.  Bittersweet – Shauna Niequist

And yeah, I'll read 20 books this year. For real this time.

When I look back at 2011 I see so much change. A year can fly by so incredibly fast, and yet when you look back, so many things have happened within that short time. A relationship fell apart. I graduated college and started grad school. My best friend got married. I moved back to Kentucky while my family moved from Florida to Tennessee...twice. I started five new jobs and two new small groups. I made new friends and re-established old ones that had faded with time and distance. There was so much change this year.

I was hiking with my dad the other day, and as we trekked along I was wondering what this year should be about. Learning? Travel? Adventures? I found myself dreaming up all sorts of goals and things to accomplish this year. This list of goals soon turned into worries about the future. How will I know where to go? How will it all work out? When will I figure things out? There is so much that I want to do and see and experience. I don’t even know where to begin. I then found myself trying to plan everything. Suddenly the span of my life was stretching before my eyes and I was trying to organize all the details and orchestrate all of the happenings so that everything turns out just right.

And then, just as quickly as these chaotic thoughts rushed into my head, they all raced out and left one simple, little prayer: “God, help me to want what you want.” 

God knows me. He loves me. He has a purpose for me and actually wants to use me. I can’t do any of this on my own. I want his desires to become my desires. If I can live this way, I know I will be led to experience and grow in ways that I never could have imagined for myself.

I’ve been thinking about this post for a while, knowing that I wanted to set new goals for myself in the next year. A phrase that just kept coming back to me was “taste and see that the Lord is good.” So that’s what I’m going to be doing this year. I’m going to travel and go on adventures and cook and learn and read and grow and fall down and press on and cry and laugh...I hope I do a whole lot of laughing. I’m going to take Colossians 3 and do my absolute best to live it every day. I’m going to love. I’m going to practice compassion, humility, patience. I’m going to plead for wisdom and try my hardest to keep my eyes focused on things above. And I will fail. I will fail over and over. But it’s becoming more and more clear to me that my God is not a God that I have to earn my way to. He is grace and he is mercy – two things I cannot live without.

So that’s my prayer for this year…and every year, really.

God, help me to want what you want. 

Colossians 3

Living as those made alive in Christ

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

  Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

 Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for their wrongs, and there is no favoritism.

Home

My family has been moving around an awful lot lately. As I was sitting in our new living room the other night, I got to thinking about homes.

My first home, located on a quiet dead end street in southern Michigan, was first and foremost a playground. This is the home I was brought into when my mom and dad came home from the hospital, and it’s where I spent my childhood years. When I think about that house I will always think of playing. I remember a particular tree in the backyard that grew as if it wanted to be climbed. Every branch was perfectly situated so that you could practically climb to the top with your eyes closed. And, on either side of the bottom were two branches that were very ideal for jumping up and swinging from. One was about half a foot higher than the other, so it was perfect for my big brother and me. He got the taller one, I got the shorter one. We spent hours hanging from those two branches.

I also remember spending countless days in my room playing with my toys. I had so many Disney figurines. Aladdin, Jasmine, a Magic Carpet, Simba and Nala, Pumba and Jafaar. These were among my favorites, and I made up so many stories with these miniature friends.

And I remember playing sports. All the time – sports. Basketball and baseball and football and racing on rollerblades and bikes. We had three neighbor friends who we loved to play with.

I don’t really remember having a lot of cares or worries when we lived here. This home, to me, was about playing. It was about toys and lemonade stands and long summer days spent outside and nights spent sleeping by the Christmas tree in the winter.

We moved to our next home, just across town, when I was in the fourth grade – still just a kid. If I had a word for this home, it would be learning. Just a year after we moved, I learned the heartache that comes when a beloved pet dies. I grew up in this home and began learning that life isn’t always fair. That life is hard. That school and relationships and attitudes could be difficult. It was in this home that I learned what the word rebel meant and how to apply it to my own life. This lead me to also learn what the word grounded meant. A few years later I learned what it feels like when someone breaks your heart. And I learned that the word cancer often comes with its ugly best friend in tow: fear.

There were many difficult times while we lived in this home, but there were many good ones as well. I learned how to drive and was especially proud when I mastered the art (and, believe me, it was an ART) of backing out of our very curvy driveway. The level of artistry was further exemplified when either the driveway was icy with snow or when one was very late for school.

I also learned that while my best friends were intending to go to college to become doctors and teachers, I was yearning to learn a different craft: theatre. It was in this home that I went from wanting to be an Olympic speedskater (obviously I had very realistic goals for myself) to discovering a love and passion for the stage. I am forever grateful for those who began introducing me to this new love during these years.

And although I didn’t always recognize it at the time, I eventually learned of God’s faithfulness. He allowed the cancer to be successfully removed. He healed broken hearts. He blessed me, took care of me, and guided me when I deserved it the least. He never failed.

If this home was about learning, then our next home was about struggling. We moved to Florida right before my senior year of high school – leaving our friends, significant others, and everything familiar to us and taking up residence in a tropical climate. It was during this time that my relationship with God became real because he was the only thing I had to cling to. I fought depression and long waves of loneliness. But God was faithful and I was able to go back to Michigan for the last semester of high school and graduate with my friends. However, going back to Florida after graduating was a brand new struggle. I couldn’t find a summer job so I literally counted down each day until I left for college. It was the longest summer of my life.

All throughout college it was strange to go home for breaks. I enjoyed seeing my family and spending time with them there, but I envied my friends who were able to go back to the homes they had grown up in and reunite with all of their high school friends. I had wonderful friends back home in Michigan who I never got to see during these breaks and I often found that very difficult to handle. And because I was never in Florida for more than a few weeks at a time, it never really became familiar to me.

But struggle isn’t always a negative thing. Two summers ago I was hired as an intern at a large church near our home in Orlando, and as part of my time there I wrestled with many questions about who I am and what my purpose is. We had classes on personality types and spiritual gifts and ran arts camps and had long discussions and labored over the plans for each and every worship service that took place during our internship. It was so so good. A great kind of struggle.

And now our home is in Tennessee. We have gone from the flat corn fields and harsh winters to palm trees and beaches to towering mountains and thick, drawling accents. And it’s beautiful here. I can’t say that mountains are my favorite form of topography (I tend to feel a bit trapped not being able to see more than half a mile in any direction), but it is a truly breathtaking place. Whenever you step outside or even open a window you can hear the river roaring through the woods, just a dozen or so yards from our backdoor. And the stars are so bright. No more city lights to block them from view. There are trails to explore and wildlife to see. And that’s just on the outside.

Inside, this home feels secure. A thick, gray brick wall runs down the center of the house from top to bottom, and I can’t seem to get over how strong it is. I find myself leaning on it or just pushing my hand against it just because I know it won’t move. There isn’t even the slightest give.

And then there are the cast iron sink and stove and the handmade hard wood floors and the stairs that were all laid by the same two hands twenty years ago and still don’t exert one single creak when walked on.

And there are the huge wooden beams that run up the walls and across the ceiling in the living room so that even when you’re walking around upstairs you feel like the solid ground is just underneath the floor boards.

This home, as a whole, is just so strong.

Now I won’t get ahead of myself. I don’t know what the word for this home will be yet. I know that it’s strong. I know that it’s very cozy but still large enough to hold an entire side of our family, including multiple babies and pets. I know that it has lots of character. And I know that it has seen a lot of love, both in the hands that built it and with the family that has just moved into it.

But the official word is yet to be determined. I expect that a lot of things will take place in this home. Memories will be made, both happy and sad. Experiences will come and go and many people will walk in and out the front door. There’s no telling the wonderful things that will take place within these walls.

I have some high hopes for this home :) 

How Did We Come to This?

It's one of those nights when you're at a friend's house and everyone is asleep but you're sitting at the kitchen table because you have so much work to do that sleep just really isn't an option. But, because you have so much to do, you automatically decide to do everything else instead...like update the blog that has been cast aside for two months.

Ugh.

Life has been absolutely insane over the past two months. At first it was exciting. So much to do. Sometimes the rush can be exhilarating. But then the rush becomes more of a trudge and exhaustion sets in.

That's where I find myself tonight. Utterly exhausted in every way and in need of a reboot. See? I'm so exhausted that I couldn't even think of a better word than "reboot."

 I've been reading a book with some friends called Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist, and this paragraph caught my attention:

"I miss all sorts of sacred and significant moments, because of my frantic insistence that I can do it all, and that I don't have to miss anything. I run from thing to thing, and then I fall into bed at night without even the space to think about the day. I wake up again to start it all over: more people, more food, more play, more ideas, more books. I'm ravenous, and somewhere along the way what started as a clean and lovely lust for life crosses over into a cycle of frantic activity, without soul or connection."

I have made myself so busy with all the rushing around that I can no longer see the beauty that surrounds me. There is no time to just sit down and read. No time to take a walk with my camera and capture the fantastic sunrises that greet me each morning. No time to even sit and think. And I tell myself that it's alright because I'm not hurting anyone. But how many people have I blown off or canceled plans with because something pressing came up that I had to take care of? How many conversations with acquaintances could have gone deeper if I had the time to sit and ask questions? How many promises have I made that I couldn't carry out?

As the age old saying goes, "Something's gotta give."

The show I am directing opens this Friday. Six more days. Six more days of insanity and rushing and putting the last touches on every little detail. I have no idea how it will all get done. But it will. It always does. And a peace like I have never anticipated before will come seeping in afterward. I cannot wait.

I just hope I do the right things with that peace. I hope I am able to re-evaluate where I am and where I want to be, and that I can start learning to be satisfied with "enough." That I don't have to rush around every minute of the day in order to have a full life. That sometimes it's okay to just walk for no reason or to sit and read for half the day or to spend time just writing and thinking. Because, as Shauna writes, "Full life is lived when the whole system works together, when rest and home and peace live hand in hand with taste and sparkle and go."

So wish me luck. And please. For the love of God give me a hug.

He's Never Failed Me Yet

“Let the godly sing for joy to the Lord; it is fitting for the pure to praise him…Sing a new song of praise to him; play skillfully on the harp, and sing with joy. For the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything he does. He loves whatever is just and good; the unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth.” – Psalm 33:1-5

Transitions can be really challenging. Graduation. Location changes. New living arrangements. New jobs. It can all be overwhelming.

Since graduating in May I have seen a lot of these challenges come and go, and I’m sure there are many more on the way. After a semester of grad school in Ohio, I made my way back to the Bluegrass state with only two sure things: a part time job teaching speech and drama at a local high school and a place to stay until December.

I really wasn’t sure how it all was going to go. Most of my friends had dispersed to different areas of the country to start new jobs as well. I loved the idea of returning to the church I had come to love and serve over the past four years, but I knew that I was losing a huge community by graduating from my close-knit school.

And, at first, things really were rather difficult. I missed my friends and was finding it hard to feel a sense of belonging even though I was living in a very familiar place. I searched for more jobs endlessly, knowing that I couldn’t afford to live much longer on this one part-time job. I was turned down over and over and couldn’t understand why. I found myself getting more discouraged with each passing day.

But God is faithful. So faithful. He began to slowly infuse my life with new blessings and hope. Some of my closest friends started moving back to the area. A small group of girls that graduated with me – some of them close friends, others just acquaintances – formed a book club and have grown closer to one another by relating to each others’ struggles during this transition period. It has been an incredible blessing to get to know these girls on a deeper level and to bear each others’ burdens with prayer and support.

I also went from having one job to having four in literally a day. The phone calls just kept pouring in. I couldn’t believe it, and there are even more opportunities on the horizon that I am so excited about. And the best part of these jobs is that all but one directly correlate with my career ambitions. And, let’s face it, not a lot of theatre people find employment in their field an easy thing to come by.

During all this, my parents moved from Florida to Tennessee and I am so grateful to have them closer. Going home used to mean buying a flight or planning two entire days of driving. Now if I have a long weekend I can just jump in the car and be home within a few hours.

Wonderful volunteer opportunities have also been brought my way. Friends have asked me to be a part of their projects and I have been able to act, sing, lead and use my gifts to help others. 

But my favorite thing that God has been doing lately is filling my life with community. He has been putting new people into my life who are incredible examples to me as I try to grow in my faith and navigate through life. And my relationships with old friends have been deepening in wonderful ways. I seriously could not ask for better friends – ones who never cease to show grace, love, encouragement, and generosity – all the while pointing to Christ as the source of it all. They make me want to be better each day. The late night conversations, the openness and willingness to discuss difficult things, the prayerful support…I have been enjoying each interaction and adventure with these friends – old and new.

So I teach and direct theatre. I am a barista. I am allowed to help lead worship. I have beautiful, growing community. But I don’t write all this to say “Look at all the great things I’m doing,” and I hope that it doesn’t read that way. I write all this because I want to celebrate the incredible blessings that God has lavished on my life. I did nothing to deserve these things. But I’m so thankful for the unfairness of God’s grace. He continually loves, cares for, and blesses me despite the foolish things I often do. He deserves all the praise. I am overwhelmed by him.

I find myself here on my knees again

Caught up in grace like an avalanche

Nothing compares to this love, love, love

Burning in my heart

- Hillsong

I Lift My Eyes Up

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. 

Remind me that my days are numbered - 

how fleeting my life is.

You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.

My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;

At best, each of us is but a breath.

Psalm 39:4-5

Taking a break from the poverty study today to write about some things that have been going on this week.

Recently I have found myself becoming irritable and grouchy about the silliest of things. This isn't like me, but I didn't even realize it was happening until this past Sunday night. I went to church and we were starting a dating series. I expected to be loaded up with a lot of tips on how to avoid crossing boundaries or advice on finding the right "one," but I found so much more than that. I walked away from that service completely changed.

And by "completely changed" I mean that I'm working on it ;)

Throughout the course of the evening, I realized that I have not been taking the necessary steps to becoming who God created me to be. I've been discontent - and very verbal about it. I've been frustrated and angry and stubborn. I was thinking that I could find happiness by doing the bare minimum to get by. I don't really have a desire to date right now, but when I do again I know that I'll be looking for someone who meets a particular set of standards. And how can I expect someone to meet those standards if I haven't yet met them myself?

God has so much work to do in me if I will only let him. If I will only stand still long enough for him to speak...long enough for him to show me the wondrous things he has for me.

Since graduating and moving back here, I have found myself in a sort of waiting period. I have two jobs that are in my area of study, but neither of them are what I really want to do. I'm in limbo as far as where I am living and finding a more permanent place. I can't really pursue a full time or long term job until the next two years of grad school are over. Therefore: limbo. And it's so difficult for me to handle. I just want things to move forward. I want to make things happen. Right. Now.

It wasn't until last night when I was reading a book on change and growth ("Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist) that I realized that sometimes God puts us in waiting zones for a reason. They aren't just a phase to "get through." God has plans for us even during these times of limbo. And instead of just trying to push things along and figure out what's next, perhaps I should be asking God what he wants for me during this time. How does he want to grow me? What can I do during this time to become the person he created me to be? How can I best use this time instead of wishing it away?

I have let myself become so much more about the smaller story - the story of me, my life, and my doings - than about God's bigger story. And I can tell you, firsthand, that it isn't worth it. There is nothing fulfilling about living for myself. For I am "merely a moving shadow, and all my busy rushing ends in nothing" (Psalm 39:6). This week has shown me that there is so much more joy in my life when I am starting each day by securing myself in God's word and his promises. The little things just don't seem as irritating as before and my problems seem much smaller. And all I have to do is stand still.

In my life, Jesus, be lifted high.

The Riches of Your Love

"Poverty is about relationships that don't work." 

I have been learning quite a bit about the problem of poverty over the last few days. Wendy McMahan has done a wonderful job of outlining everything in her podcast - Poverty: Unlocked. For instance, she explains how there were four main relationships established at Creation: 

1. Relationship with God (Spiritual)

2. Relationship with Others (Social)

3. Relationship with Nature (Physical)

4. Relationship with Self (Mental)

All of these relationships were broken in some way when the Fall took place. You can find each of these - the blame, banishment, painful toiling, and wandering - in Genesis 3:11-24. 

We see the results of this in the causes of poverty:

1. Lack of resources (Physical)

2. Lack of education (Mental)

3. Social injustice (Social)

4. Hopelessness of God seeming to not be near (Spiritual)

Poverty is about relationships that don't work. But Jesus came to do more than just save us from our sins. He came to reconcile all these relationships. Colossians 1:19-20 - "For God in all his fullness was pleased to live in Christ, and through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and earth by means of Christ's blood on the cross." 

Unfortunately, the church tends to focus primarily on just one of these relationships - the Spiritual - when we should be practicing "whole-ism" and focusing on all parts of Jesus' redemption. Sometimes we go into countries as missionaries and care more about getting people to pray a prayer than developing and growing them as disciples over time. Please note that I am not bashing missionaries in any way. This is definitely not always the case. But sometimes we fail to give people the whole foundation. 

After learning this, I looked at my own life and asked how I am serving in ways that promote long-term discipleship. This caused me to look at other areas of my life and realize that I haven't been doing a very good job at serving others. I have two jobs right now that involve me leading a group and establishing a plan for how things will be done. It has been very hard to motivate myself to do the work outside of our meetings when no one is standing over my shoulder asking if I have been doing it. My laziness is becoming a large obstacle in the way that I serve. Am I giving 100% to those that I am leading, or am I leaving everything to the last minute and arriving unprepared? I made a firm resolution to become better in this area of my life and to not let laziness overtake my resolve to do my best in everything. 

Jesus came to save us and reconcile everything to God. His blood reverses the brokenness that happened at the Fall.  

You tore the veil, you made a way

When you said that it is done

...there's no greater love than this. 

- Hillsong "At the Cross"