Home

My family has been moving around an awful lot lately. As I was sitting in our new living room the other night, I got to thinking about homes.

My first home, located on a quiet dead end street in southern Michigan, was first and foremost a playground. This is the home I was brought into when my mom and dad came home from the hospital, and it’s where I spent my childhood years. When I think about that house I will always think of playing. I remember a particular tree in the backyard that grew as if it wanted to be climbed. Every branch was perfectly situated so that you could practically climb to the top with your eyes closed. And, on either side of the bottom were two branches that were very ideal for jumping up and swinging from. One was about half a foot higher than the other, so it was perfect for my big brother and me. He got the taller one, I got the shorter one. We spent hours hanging from those two branches.

I also remember spending countless days in my room playing with my toys. I had so many Disney figurines. Aladdin, Jasmine, a Magic Carpet, Simba and Nala, Pumba and Jafaar. These were among my favorites, and I made up so many stories with these miniature friends.

And I remember playing sports. All the time – sports. Basketball and baseball and football and racing on rollerblades and bikes. We had three neighbor friends who we loved to play with.

I don’t really remember having a lot of cares or worries when we lived here. This home, to me, was about playing. It was about toys and lemonade stands and long summer days spent outside and nights spent sleeping by the Christmas tree in the winter.

We moved to our next home, just across town, when I was in the fourth grade – still just a kid. If I had a word for this home, it would be learning. Just a year after we moved, I learned the heartache that comes when a beloved pet dies. I grew up in this home and began learning that life isn’t always fair. That life is hard. That school and relationships and attitudes could be difficult. It was in this home that I learned what the word rebel meant and how to apply it to my own life. This lead me to also learn what the word grounded meant. A few years later I learned what it feels like when someone breaks your heart. And I learned that the word cancer often comes with its ugly best friend in tow: fear.

There were many difficult times while we lived in this home, but there were many good ones as well. I learned how to drive and was especially proud when I mastered the art (and, believe me, it was an ART) of backing out of our very curvy driveway. The level of artistry was further exemplified when either the driveway was icy with snow or when one was very late for school.

I also learned that while my best friends were intending to go to college to become doctors and teachers, I was yearning to learn a different craft: theatre. It was in this home that I went from wanting to be an Olympic speedskater (obviously I had very realistic goals for myself) to discovering a love and passion for the stage. I am forever grateful for those who began introducing me to this new love during these years.

And although I didn’t always recognize it at the time, I eventually learned of God’s faithfulness. He allowed the cancer to be successfully removed. He healed broken hearts. He blessed me, took care of me, and guided me when I deserved it the least. He never failed.

If this home was about learning, then our next home was about struggling. We moved to Florida right before my senior year of high school – leaving our friends, significant others, and everything familiar to us and taking up residence in a tropical climate. It was during this time that my relationship with God became real because he was the only thing I had to cling to. I fought depression and long waves of loneliness. But God was faithful and I was able to go back to Michigan for the last semester of high school and graduate with my friends. However, going back to Florida after graduating was a brand new struggle. I couldn’t find a summer job so I literally counted down each day until I left for college. It was the longest summer of my life.

All throughout college it was strange to go home for breaks. I enjoyed seeing my family and spending time with them there, but I envied my friends who were able to go back to the homes they had grown up in and reunite with all of their high school friends. I had wonderful friends back home in Michigan who I never got to see during these breaks and I often found that very difficult to handle. And because I was never in Florida for more than a few weeks at a time, it never really became familiar to me.

But struggle isn’t always a negative thing. Two summers ago I was hired as an intern at a large church near our home in Orlando, and as part of my time there I wrestled with many questions about who I am and what my purpose is. We had classes on personality types and spiritual gifts and ran arts camps and had long discussions and labored over the plans for each and every worship service that took place during our internship. It was so so good. A great kind of struggle.

And now our home is in Tennessee. We have gone from the flat corn fields and harsh winters to palm trees and beaches to towering mountains and thick, drawling accents. And it’s beautiful here. I can’t say that mountains are my favorite form of topography (I tend to feel a bit trapped not being able to see more than half a mile in any direction), but it is a truly breathtaking place. Whenever you step outside or even open a window you can hear the river roaring through the woods, just a dozen or so yards from our backdoor. And the stars are so bright. No more city lights to block them from view. There are trails to explore and wildlife to see. And that’s just on the outside.

Inside, this home feels secure. A thick, gray brick wall runs down the center of the house from top to bottom, and I can’t seem to get over how strong it is. I find myself leaning on it or just pushing my hand against it just because I know it won’t move. There isn’t even the slightest give.

And then there are the cast iron sink and stove and the handmade hard wood floors and the stairs that were all laid by the same two hands twenty years ago and still don’t exert one single creak when walked on.

And there are the huge wooden beams that run up the walls and across the ceiling in the living room so that even when you’re walking around upstairs you feel like the solid ground is just underneath the floor boards.

This home, as a whole, is just so strong.

Now I won’t get ahead of myself. I don’t know what the word for this home will be yet. I know that it’s strong. I know that it’s very cozy but still large enough to hold an entire side of our family, including multiple babies and pets. I know that it has lots of character. And I know that it has seen a lot of love, both in the hands that built it and with the family that has just moved into it.

But the official word is yet to be determined. I expect that a lot of things will take place in this home. Memories will be made, both happy and sad. Experiences will come and go and many people will walk in and out the front door. There’s no telling the wonderful things that will take place within these walls.

I have some high hopes for this home :) 

How Did We Come to This?

It's one of those nights when you're at a friend's house and everyone is asleep but you're sitting at the kitchen table because you have so much work to do that sleep just really isn't an option. But, because you have so much to do, you automatically decide to do everything else instead...like update the blog that has been cast aside for two months.

Ugh.

Life has been absolutely insane over the past two months. At first it was exciting. So much to do. Sometimes the rush can be exhilarating. But then the rush becomes more of a trudge and exhaustion sets in.

That's where I find myself tonight. Utterly exhausted in every way and in need of a reboot. See? I'm so exhausted that I couldn't even think of a better word than "reboot."

 I've been reading a book with some friends called Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist, and this paragraph caught my attention:

"I miss all sorts of sacred and significant moments, because of my frantic insistence that I can do it all, and that I don't have to miss anything. I run from thing to thing, and then I fall into bed at night without even the space to think about the day. I wake up again to start it all over: more people, more food, more play, more ideas, more books. I'm ravenous, and somewhere along the way what started as a clean and lovely lust for life crosses over into a cycle of frantic activity, without soul or connection."

I have made myself so busy with all the rushing around that I can no longer see the beauty that surrounds me. There is no time to just sit down and read. No time to take a walk with my camera and capture the fantastic sunrises that greet me each morning. No time to even sit and think. And I tell myself that it's alright because I'm not hurting anyone. But how many people have I blown off or canceled plans with because something pressing came up that I had to take care of? How many conversations with acquaintances could have gone deeper if I had the time to sit and ask questions? How many promises have I made that I couldn't carry out?

As the age old saying goes, "Something's gotta give."

The show I am directing opens this Friday. Six more days. Six more days of insanity and rushing and putting the last touches on every little detail. I have no idea how it will all get done. But it will. It always does. And a peace like I have never anticipated before will come seeping in afterward. I cannot wait.

I just hope I do the right things with that peace. I hope I am able to re-evaluate where I am and where I want to be, and that I can start learning to be satisfied with "enough." That I don't have to rush around every minute of the day in order to have a full life. That sometimes it's okay to just walk for no reason or to sit and read for half the day or to spend time just writing and thinking. Because, as Shauna writes, "Full life is lived when the whole system works together, when rest and home and peace live hand in hand with taste and sparkle and go."

So wish me luck. And please. For the love of God give me a hug.

He's Never Failed Me Yet

“Let the godly sing for joy to the Lord; it is fitting for the pure to praise him…Sing a new song of praise to him; play skillfully on the harp, and sing with joy. For the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything he does. He loves whatever is just and good; the unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth.” – Psalm 33:1-5

Transitions can be really challenging. Graduation. Location changes. New living arrangements. New jobs. It can all be overwhelming.

Since graduating in May I have seen a lot of these challenges come and go, and I’m sure there are many more on the way. After a semester of grad school in Ohio, I made my way back to the Bluegrass state with only two sure things: a part time job teaching speech and drama at a local high school and a place to stay until December.

I really wasn’t sure how it all was going to go. Most of my friends had dispersed to different areas of the country to start new jobs as well. I loved the idea of returning to the church I had come to love and serve over the past four years, but I knew that I was losing a huge community by graduating from my close-knit school.

And, at first, things really were rather difficult. I missed my friends and was finding it hard to feel a sense of belonging even though I was living in a very familiar place. I searched for more jobs endlessly, knowing that I couldn’t afford to live much longer on this one part-time job. I was turned down over and over and couldn’t understand why. I found myself getting more discouraged with each passing day.

But God is faithful. So faithful. He began to slowly infuse my life with new blessings and hope. Some of my closest friends started moving back to the area. A small group of girls that graduated with me – some of them close friends, others just acquaintances – formed a book club and have grown closer to one another by relating to each others’ struggles during this transition period. It has been an incredible blessing to get to know these girls on a deeper level and to bear each others’ burdens with prayer and support.

I also went from having one job to having four in literally a day. The phone calls just kept pouring in. I couldn’t believe it, and there are even more opportunities on the horizon that I am so excited about. And the best part of these jobs is that all but one directly correlate with my career ambitions. And, let’s face it, not a lot of theatre people find employment in their field an easy thing to come by.

During all this, my parents moved from Florida to Tennessee and I am so grateful to have them closer. Going home used to mean buying a flight or planning two entire days of driving. Now if I have a long weekend I can just jump in the car and be home within a few hours.

Wonderful volunteer opportunities have also been brought my way. Friends have asked me to be a part of their projects and I have been able to act, sing, lead and use my gifts to help others. 

But my favorite thing that God has been doing lately is filling my life with community. He has been putting new people into my life who are incredible examples to me as I try to grow in my faith and navigate through life. And my relationships with old friends have been deepening in wonderful ways. I seriously could not ask for better friends – ones who never cease to show grace, love, encouragement, and generosity – all the while pointing to Christ as the source of it all. They make me want to be better each day. The late night conversations, the openness and willingness to discuss difficult things, the prayerful support…I have been enjoying each interaction and adventure with these friends – old and new.

So I teach and direct theatre. I am a barista. I am allowed to help lead worship. I have beautiful, growing community. But I don’t write all this to say “Look at all the great things I’m doing,” and I hope that it doesn’t read that way. I write all this because I want to celebrate the incredible blessings that God has lavished on my life. I did nothing to deserve these things. But I’m so thankful for the unfairness of God’s grace. He continually loves, cares for, and blesses me despite the foolish things I often do. He deserves all the praise. I am overwhelmed by him.

I find myself here on my knees again

Caught up in grace like an avalanche

Nothing compares to this love, love, love

Burning in my heart

- Hillsong

I Lift My Eyes Up

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. 

Remind me that my days are numbered - 

how fleeting my life is.

You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.

My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;

At best, each of us is but a breath.

Psalm 39:4-5

Taking a break from the poverty study today to write about some things that have been going on this week.

Recently I have found myself becoming irritable and grouchy about the silliest of things. This isn't like me, but I didn't even realize it was happening until this past Sunday night. I went to church and we were starting a dating series. I expected to be loaded up with a lot of tips on how to avoid crossing boundaries or advice on finding the right "one," but I found so much more than that. I walked away from that service completely changed.

And by "completely changed" I mean that I'm working on it ;)

Throughout the course of the evening, I realized that I have not been taking the necessary steps to becoming who God created me to be. I've been discontent - and very verbal about it. I've been frustrated and angry and stubborn. I was thinking that I could find happiness by doing the bare minimum to get by. I don't really have a desire to date right now, but when I do again I know that I'll be looking for someone who meets a particular set of standards. And how can I expect someone to meet those standards if I haven't yet met them myself?

God has so much work to do in me if I will only let him. If I will only stand still long enough for him to speak...long enough for him to show me the wondrous things he has for me.

Since graduating and moving back here, I have found myself in a sort of waiting period. I have two jobs that are in my area of study, but neither of them are what I really want to do. I'm in limbo as far as where I am living and finding a more permanent place. I can't really pursue a full time or long term job until the next two years of grad school are over. Therefore: limbo. And it's so difficult for me to handle. I just want things to move forward. I want to make things happen. Right. Now.

It wasn't until last night when I was reading a book on change and growth ("Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist) that I realized that sometimes God puts us in waiting zones for a reason. They aren't just a phase to "get through." God has plans for us even during these times of limbo. And instead of just trying to push things along and figure out what's next, perhaps I should be asking God what he wants for me during this time. How does he want to grow me? What can I do during this time to become the person he created me to be? How can I best use this time instead of wishing it away?

I have let myself become so much more about the smaller story - the story of me, my life, and my doings - than about God's bigger story. And I can tell you, firsthand, that it isn't worth it. There is nothing fulfilling about living for myself. For I am "merely a moving shadow, and all my busy rushing ends in nothing" (Psalm 39:6). This week has shown me that there is so much more joy in my life when I am starting each day by securing myself in God's word and his promises. The little things just don't seem as irritating as before and my problems seem much smaller. And all I have to do is stand still.

In my life, Jesus, be lifted high.

The Riches of Your Love

"Poverty is about relationships that don't work." 

I have been learning quite a bit about the problem of poverty over the last few days. Wendy McMahan has done a wonderful job of outlining everything in her podcast - Poverty: Unlocked. For instance, she explains how there were four main relationships established at Creation: 

1. Relationship with God (Spiritual)

2. Relationship with Others (Social)

3. Relationship with Nature (Physical)

4. Relationship with Self (Mental)

All of these relationships were broken in some way when the Fall took place. You can find each of these - the blame, banishment, painful toiling, and wandering - in Genesis 3:11-24. 

We see the results of this in the causes of poverty:

1. Lack of resources (Physical)

2. Lack of education (Mental)

3. Social injustice (Social)

4. Hopelessness of God seeming to not be near (Spiritual)

Poverty is about relationships that don't work. But Jesus came to do more than just save us from our sins. He came to reconcile all these relationships. Colossians 1:19-20 - "For God in all his fullness was pleased to live in Christ, and through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and earth by means of Christ's blood on the cross." 

Unfortunately, the church tends to focus primarily on just one of these relationships - the Spiritual - when we should be practicing "whole-ism" and focusing on all parts of Jesus' redemption. Sometimes we go into countries as missionaries and care more about getting people to pray a prayer than developing and growing them as disciples over time. Please note that I am not bashing missionaries in any way. This is definitely not always the case. But sometimes we fail to give people the whole foundation. 

After learning this, I looked at my own life and asked how I am serving in ways that promote long-term discipleship. This caused me to look at other areas of my life and realize that I haven't been doing a very good job at serving others. I have two jobs right now that involve me leading a group and establishing a plan for how things will be done. It has been very hard to motivate myself to do the work outside of our meetings when no one is standing over my shoulder asking if I have been doing it. My laziness is becoming a large obstacle in the way that I serve. Am I giving 100% to those that I am leading, or am I leaving everything to the last minute and arriving unprepared? I made a firm resolution to become better in this area of my life and to not let laziness overtake my resolve to do my best in everything. 

Jesus came to save us and reconcile everything to God. His blood reverses the brokenness that happened at the Fall.  

You tore the veil, you made a way

When you said that it is done

...there's no greater love than this. 

- Hillsong "At the Cross"

Food for the Hungry

I have been blessed with so much. Everywhere I look I see God's blessings in my life. I have amazing parents who support me endlessly. I have fantastic friends who make me laugh and are there for me in times of trouble. I have received a wonderful education and am now working two jobs in my chosen field. I have the amazing luxury of being able to pick an outfit for the day. I have never known a day of true hunger.

I have more than enough.

I am once again reminded of the unfairness of it all. Why am I so blessed? Why was I born into such circumstances while others are born in areas of starvation and disease? I did nothing to deserve the things I have been given. Where is justice?

As I have been exploring these questions, I felt the need for drastic change. I look around me and see a culture that pursues happiness above all else - even at the expense of others. I see a culture centered around food (for entertainment, not out of necessity) and material things. And I see myself, more and more, falling prey to the pursuits of this culture. I find myself eating out of boredom, totally missing the value of food as a necessary substance for living. I find myself growing more and more passionate about those who are suffering from lack of resources...yet not knowing what to do about it.

Taking all this into account, I made a decision. A five day fast and in-depth study of poverty and global hunger. I chose The Master Cleanse method of fasting because those who have gone through it claimed that they learned to really read the difference between true hunger and boredom. They also found themselves with more healthy and self-controlled eating habits when they finished. They craved natural, organic foods instead of the old refined and artery-damaging ones (think The Daniel Fast).

I am starting the study with a podcast called Poverty: Unlocked - a Christian relief and development podcast created by Wendy McMahan and Food for the Hungry. It explores God's heart for the poor, the injustice issue, and the Christian mandate. Right now I am ending day two of my ten day journey and have already learned a lot about the causes of poverty.

I am not sure where I will end up at the end of these ten days. It may still be unclear what my specific response to this issue is but I will have gained a solid basis of knowledge for pursuing this even further as well as a renewed sense of the value of food and of self control. I ask that you would pray for me during this time as I want to be completely open to whatever God wants to place before me. I want to be focused and receptive, and I know that I need God to sustain me and draw me closer to his word and heart.

I'll post some more updates throughout the next week and a half and tell you what I'm learning about. For now, bed time.

Craft Day

Yesterday was Craft Day.

Huge success. Made these wreaths to sell at a gift shop.

We'll see how it goes and perhaps I'll be making more soon!