I feel like I have a lot to say today, but my fingers can't seem to connect with my brain. So instead of writing what is in my head, I will simply leave a link to my favorite short story in the whole wide world...or at least my favorite of the stories I have read so far. It's really not terribly long, so if you have a few minutes, I'd love for you to read it and tell me what you think!
It's called "Long Walk to Forever" by Kurt Vonnegut.
http://lib.ru/RAZNOE/long.txt
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Catching Things and Eating Their Insides
I don't know where I would be without my friends. I have the best friends in the whole world. My roommate from the past two years is visiting for a good long stay, and she has been there constantly for me to lean on. She sits and listens to me cry and talk, and then she takes me out so that I can be distracted. She's the best.
I'll admit that it gets a little easier every day. Yesterday was a pretty good day...until nighttime came. I think everyone has those days when they think they're getting better and everything will be alright. And then the night comes, and everyone goes to bed, and you can't sleep. So you sit up and think too much until you are completely overwhelmed. Those are the nights you stay up for hours reading your Bible and desperately searching for comfort...peace...healing. That was me last night.
I started reading in Ephesians and then switched over to the Psalms. The Psalms are so comforting because they are a constant reminder that people long before us struggled and pleaded with God for the same things we ask of him today. And God always listened. He always cared for them. He was constantly showering his grace and mercy on his people. And he still is.
I came across several verses between Psalm 66 and 69 that I found to be especially helpful, so I thought I would share:
66:9 - "Our lives are in his hands, and he keeps our feet from stumbling."
66:12 - "We went through fire and flood, but you brought us to a place of great abundance."
68:19 - "Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day he carries us in his arms."
69:16 - "Answer my prayers, O Lord, for your unfailing love is wonderful. Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful."
I love the verse about him carrying us in his arms...every day. He never leaves our side.
I woke up this morning and my cough seems to have gotten worse over night. I was coughing a lung up in the bathroom, and my current roommate walked out of her bedroom and said, "What kind of tea would you like?" And she proceeded to make me tea with honey, brought me Vitamin C tablets and other various remedies for my sickness.
His mercies are new each morning. I am so loved.
I'll admit that it gets a little easier every day. Yesterday was a pretty good day...until nighttime came. I think everyone has those days when they think they're getting better and everything will be alright. And then the night comes, and everyone goes to bed, and you can't sleep. So you sit up and think too much until you are completely overwhelmed. Those are the nights you stay up for hours reading your Bible and desperately searching for comfort...peace...healing. That was me last night.
I started reading in Ephesians and then switched over to the Psalms. The Psalms are so comforting because they are a constant reminder that people long before us struggled and pleaded with God for the same things we ask of him today. And God always listened. He always cared for them. He was constantly showering his grace and mercy on his people. And he still is.
I came across several verses between Psalm 66 and 69 that I found to be especially helpful, so I thought I would share:
66:9 - "Our lives are in his hands, and he keeps our feet from stumbling."
66:12 - "We went through fire and flood, but you brought us to a place of great abundance."
68:19 - "Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day he carries us in his arms."
69:16 - "Answer my prayers, O Lord, for your unfailing love is wonderful. Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful."
I love the verse about him carrying us in his arms...every day. He never leaves our side.
I woke up this morning and my cough seems to have gotten worse over night. I was coughing a lung up in the bathroom, and my current roommate walked out of her bedroom and said, "What kind of tea would you like?" And she proceeded to make me tea with honey, brought me Vitamin C tablets and other various remedies for my sickness.
His mercies are new each morning. I am so loved.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Get By With a Little Help from My Friends
God is so good to me. I don't always understand his ways or why certain things have to be, but he always reminds me of his faithfulness and love...often through other people.
This has probably been the worst first week of school I've ever had. Huge disappointments right before school started seem to have caused a chain reaction. I haven't been able to sleep hardly at all. I'm not even really tired...except I know my body is exhausted because my eye twitches a lot (always a sure sign for me.) But I lie in bed for hours, wake up early, and can't seem to even take naps during the day. And, like all the other times I haven't gotten enough sleep, I have acquired a bad cold.
On top of that, I had a terrible audition last night. I didn't connect to either of the scenes I was given, and I couldn't understand what the director wanted me to do. And, to top it off, the freshman who was my reading partner for both scenes gave me a freaking line read when she was explaining something to me. How embarrassing is that. I knew I wouldn't be cast. It was just a bad night. Super distracted, super disconnected. My usual director told me today that he could see it on my face during the whole audition. Wow. I won't let it happen again.
So I woke up this morning tired, hacking my lungs up, and knowing I didn't get cast in a show. Not a great start to the day. But God, in his usual humorous way, didn't let me get very far before coming to meet me. I walked into chapel and we sang Before the Throne of God which is one of my favorite hymns.
"Because the sinless Saviour died, my sinful soul is counted free
For God, the just, is satisfied to look on him and pardon me."
He died for me. He pleads for me. He purchased me with his own blood. I am so loved.
After chapel, I went to check my CPO before class and two people I love very much had sent me cards to encourage me. One of the cards was from a friend of mine who broke up with her boyfriend about a year ago. In the card I got from her today she wrote:
"You wrote down this verse for me when I was going through a tough time as well: Philippians 1:6 'So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.'"
I just stood right outside of CPO and cried. God suddenly reminded me of his word in 2 Corinthians 1:4-5
"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ."
I have been reminded over and over that sometimes we go through difficult times so that we can help others through them later. I've known this, but it was so beautiful to me today to see it come full circle. I went through a rough time, so when my friend went through the same thing I shared that verse with her. And now, I'm going through the same thing again and she is able to recycle the comfort right back to me. Isn't that so beautiful!
So it's Friday night. It's been a very long and difficult week. I'm sick and very tired. But God is good. All the time.
This has probably been the worst first week of school I've ever had. Huge disappointments right before school started seem to have caused a chain reaction. I haven't been able to sleep hardly at all. I'm not even really tired...except I know my body is exhausted because my eye twitches a lot (always a sure sign for me.) But I lie in bed for hours, wake up early, and can't seem to even take naps during the day. And, like all the other times I haven't gotten enough sleep, I have acquired a bad cold.
On top of that, I had a terrible audition last night. I didn't connect to either of the scenes I was given, and I couldn't understand what the director wanted me to do. And, to top it off, the freshman who was my reading partner for both scenes gave me a freaking line read when she was explaining something to me. How embarrassing is that. I knew I wouldn't be cast. It was just a bad night. Super distracted, super disconnected. My usual director told me today that he could see it on my face during the whole audition. Wow. I won't let it happen again.
So I woke up this morning tired, hacking my lungs up, and knowing I didn't get cast in a show. Not a great start to the day. But God, in his usual humorous way, didn't let me get very far before coming to meet me. I walked into chapel and we sang Before the Throne of God which is one of my favorite hymns.
"Because the sinless Saviour died, my sinful soul is counted free
For God, the just, is satisfied to look on him and pardon me."
He died for me. He pleads for me. He purchased me with his own blood. I am so loved.
After chapel, I went to check my CPO before class and two people I love very much had sent me cards to encourage me. One of the cards was from a friend of mine who broke up with her boyfriend about a year ago. In the card I got from her today she wrote:
"You wrote down this verse for me when I was going through a tough time as well: Philippians 1:6 'So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.'"
I just stood right outside of CPO and cried. God suddenly reminded me of his word in 2 Corinthians 1:4-5
"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ."
I have been reminded over and over that sometimes we go through difficult times so that we can help others through them later. I've known this, but it was so beautiful to me today to see it come full circle. I went through a rough time, so when my friend went through the same thing I shared that verse with her. And now, I'm going through the same thing again and she is able to recycle the comfort right back to me. Isn't that so beautiful!
So it's Friday night. It's been a very long and difficult week. I'm sick and very tired. But God is good. All the time.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Bleed Dry to Quit
I am a far cry from perfection. I'm moody. I say and do things I regret every day. I'm selfish. I'm needy.
It took me until 4 am to fall asleep last night, and as I was lying in bed wide awake, I was thinking about this blog and felt like I needed to explain some things.
I chose to write this blog at the beginning of this year partly because I like to write and I felt like there might be people out there who would be interested in what I have to say. But I also started this blog as a way for me to express myself when my mind overflows with thoughts and feelings. I figure that since it's my blog, I can write about what I want, including the things that frustrate me, hurt me or excite me. I choose to be vulnerable because I know that people appreciate it. I have received a number of emails and comments from people who have told me that they admire my willingness to be honest and real in a way that many people avoid for fear of judgment and rejection. And I like writing about how I feel because it helps me sort things out.
However, I do not want to use this blog as a weapon. I often struggle with passive aggressive behavior, and I realize that my recent posts have probably come across that way. I feel that I should have the freedom to say what I feel and think about the events in my life, but I do not want to send anyone on a guilt trip if they happen to read it. Sometimes that might be unavoidable, and it's not that I do it intentionally, I'm just writing my thoughts about life...and let's face it, life can suck sometimes.
So to anyone who has ever felt like I was passively attacking them through one of my posts, I apologize. I'm sure it's happened more than once and that it's something I need to be very careful about. It can be difficult to draw the line between venting my frustrations to be read by anyone and writing something intentionally aimed at another person for them to read and feel bad.
I'm still learning. In the song I carelessly posted last night, one of the best lines was actually aimed towards me.
"What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen"
I'm such a stubborn person when it comes to things I am passionate about or care for. I don't like to let things die without a fight. I cherish things in my mind like no one's business, so it's extremely hard for me to immediately disconnect from certain circumstances and situations. I take about three times as long as most people do to get over things and move on. I tell myself the truth, but I just won't listen.
Anyway, I just wanted to send an apology out into the void. Like I said, I'm far from perfect, and I say a lot of things without thinking. So bear with me...and please don't stop reading.
It took me until 4 am to fall asleep last night, and as I was lying in bed wide awake, I was thinking about this blog and felt like I needed to explain some things.
I chose to write this blog at the beginning of this year partly because I like to write and I felt like there might be people out there who would be interested in what I have to say. But I also started this blog as a way for me to express myself when my mind overflows with thoughts and feelings. I figure that since it's my blog, I can write about what I want, including the things that frustrate me, hurt me or excite me. I choose to be vulnerable because I know that people appreciate it. I have received a number of emails and comments from people who have told me that they admire my willingness to be honest and real in a way that many people avoid for fear of judgment and rejection. And I like writing about how I feel because it helps me sort things out.
However, I do not want to use this blog as a weapon. I often struggle with passive aggressive behavior, and I realize that my recent posts have probably come across that way. I feel that I should have the freedom to say what I feel and think about the events in my life, but I do not want to send anyone on a guilt trip if they happen to read it. Sometimes that might be unavoidable, and it's not that I do it intentionally, I'm just writing my thoughts about life...and let's face it, life can suck sometimes.
So to anyone who has ever felt like I was passively attacking them through one of my posts, I apologize. I'm sure it's happened more than once and that it's something I need to be very careful about. It can be difficult to draw the line between venting my frustrations to be read by anyone and writing something intentionally aimed at another person for them to read and feel bad.
I'm still learning. In the song I carelessly posted last night, one of the best lines was actually aimed towards me.
"What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen"
I'm such a stubborn person when it comes to things I am passionate about or care for. I don't like to let things die without a fight. I cherish things in my mind like no one's business, so it's extremely hard for me to immediately disconnect from certain circumstances and situations. I take about three times as long as most people do to get over things and move on. I tell myself the truth, but I just won't listen.
Anyway, I just wanted to send an apology out into the void. Like I said, I'm far from perfect, and I say a lot of things without thinking. So bear with me...and please don't stop reading.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Oh Well
This song is almost perfect...except for maybe the unconditional love part:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ng9Oel5DXY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ng9Oel5DXY
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