Bleed Dry to Quit

I am a far cry from perfection. I'm moody. I say and do things I regret every day. I'm selfish. I'm needy.

It took me until 4 am to fall asleep last night, and as I was lying in bed wide awake, I was thinking about this blog and felt like I needed to explain some things.

I chose to write this blog at the beginning of this year partly because I like to write and I felt like there might be people out there who would be interested in what I have to say. But I also started this blog as a way for me to express myself when my mind overflows with thoughts and feelings. I figure that since it's my blog, I can write about what I want, including the things that frustrate me, hurt me or excite me. I choose to be vulnerable because I know that people appreciate it. I have received a number of emails and comments from people who have told me that they admire my willingness to be honest and real in a way that many people avoid for fear of judgment and rejection. And I like writing about how I feel because it helps me sort things out.

However, I do not want to use this blog as a weapon. I often struggle with passive aggressive behavior, and I realize that my recent posts have probably come across that way. I feel that I should have the freedom to say what I feel and think about the events in my life, but I do not want to send anyone on a guilt trip if they happen to read it. Sometimes that might be unavoidable, and it's not that I do it intentionally, I'm just writing my thoughts about life...and let's face it, life can suck sometimes.

So to anyone who has ever felt like I was passively attacking them through one of my posts, I apologize. I'm sure it's happened more than once and that it's something I need to be very careful about. It can be difficult to draw the line between venting my frustrations to be read by anyone and writing something intentionally aimed at another person for them to read and feel bad.

I'm still learning. In the song I carelessly posted last night, one of the best lines was actually aimed towards me.

"What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen"

I'm such a stubborn person when it comes to things I am passionate about or care for. I don't like to let things die without a fight. I cherish things in my mind like no one's business, so it's extremely hard for me to immediately disconnect from certain circumstances and situations. I take about three times as long as most people do to get over things and move on. I tell myself the truth, but I just won't listen.

Anyway, I just wanted to send an apology out into the void. Like I said, I'm far from perfect, and I say a lot of things without thinking. So bear with me...and please don't stop reading.