Today I woke up at 6:45 am. It's been a long time since I've seen the light of 6:45 am. And, in case you didn't know, it's not very light at all.
I got ready and drove to get some snacks for my fabulous cabaret crew. They gave up their Saturday to work on my show, so I figured it would be nice to make it a little easier on them. They worked their butts off, and it's going to be a great show.
Anyway, I came home and completely crashed. My beautiful roommate went out and got me dinner because I literally couldn't get off the couch, and I popped in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." I've seen this movie about four times now, but it never gets old. People complain that it's too long. I love how long it is. It spans the entire life of the guy, so it HAS to be long!
For some reason, watching it this time made me all weepy and nostalgic. I'm never one to cry at movies, and I didn't actually cry tonight either, but I felt like it. Something inside me ached, watching that little old man grow younger. I love the story of all the things he experienced and how he sums it up at the end. It makes me wonder about my life and all the adventures that are waiting for me. People are always saying that life is so short, but for as short as it is, there sure are a lot of adventures we can fit into it.
What adventures are waiting just around the corner for me? Where will I live? Maybe I'll live in one state for thirty years. Maybe I'll live in five states in two years. Maybe I'll live in the city and escape to the country every other weekend. Or maybe I'll live in the country and escape to the city.
I mean, just look at Benjamin Button. Look at Forrest Gump. Sure, they're just movie characters, but they experienced so much. Both Benjamin and Forrest loved one girl their whole lives. And most of the time that they were together, the timing just wasn't right. And then it was. But when the timing wasn't right, they didn't just sit around or dwell in their sorrow...they went places and did things. They lived life. And then the timing became right.
Both of them traveled across land and sea. They worked a dozen different jobs. They met lots of people and heard lots of stories. But in their hearts, there was always an ache. That oh so familiar longing for home...for that one unobtainable thing that was always just out of reach.
I'm too sleepy to finish this. I've lost my train of thought. But I haven't lost the ache.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Capture Me
The weather is finally getting warmer, and it reminds me of better days. Sometimes I just wish so badly that I could go back to the beginning of the school year. Riding bikes all over town in the middle of the night, campfires, stargazing, playgrounds, hiking...
I miss the fall. Spring is great...but it's definitely not the same in a lot of ways.
I've had faint glimmers in the past few days of the joy that's been so lacking in my life. Just a moment here and there when I sense it and feel peaceful. But it seems to go just as quickly as it came.
My life has been regrettably busy as of late. 19 credit hours + two shows at once (one of which I am directing) + work + volunteering + recording voice overs makes for very little free time. Most of my days have been starting at eight and ending around eleven-thirty with practically no down time. And sure, I'm doing a lot of things that I really enjoy doing, but I know that I've let it get out of hand this time. I like being busy, but I do NOT like being too busy to even rest or do anything that I just want to do for the pure fun of it. I can't remember the last time I just sat and watched a movie without doing loads of work at the same time or just went for a walk or sat around just because I had time. And I hate that. As much as I love directing and everything else I'm doing, and as much as I love this show, I cannot wait for February 27th. On February 27th, I am going to get a massage and then I'm going to come home and do nothing but lay around - because I won't have anything else that needs doing. It will be bliss.
I was reading my Bible yesterday morning after class, and I came across this verse:
O Lord, you alone are my hope.
I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.
Yes, you have been with me from birth;
from my mother’s womb you have cared for me.
No wonder I am always praising you!
Psalm 71: 5-6
I love this verse because it reminded me of everything that I've forgotten. God was caring for me even before I was born. He has held my hand for 22 years, and he has never failed me. So why do I always feel the need to be in control? Why do I try to take on life by myself? Isn't it a strange phenomenon that we can think so much rests on our shoulders, and yet we can go to sleep each night and somehow - miraculously - the world is still turning and functioning when we wake up? And it's like God is saying, "Well good morning. Look at everything I've been doing while you were asleep." If I would just continue to remember that he WANTS to take my cares and burdens, and HE is the one who can control everything that I worry about...life would be so much more peaceful.
So I've been on my knees repeatedly since yesterday morning. Prayer is being infused into my life in a powerful way. Come, Jesus. Come, peace. Come, joy.
I miss the fall. Spring is great...but it's definitely not the same in a lot of ways.
I've had faint glimmers in the past few days of the joy that's been so lacking in my life. Just a moment here and there when I sense it and feel peaceful. But it seems to go just as quickly as it came.
My life has been regrettably busy as of late. 19 credit hours + two shows at once (one of which I am directing) + work + volunteering + recording voice overs makes for very little free time. Most of my days have been starting at eight and ending around eleven-thirty with practically no down time. And sure, I'm doing a lot of things that I really enjoy doing, but I know that I've let it get out of hand this time. I like being busy, but I do NOT like being too busy to even rest or do anything that I just want to do for the pure fun of it. I can't remember the last time I just sat and watched a movie without doing loads of work at the same time or just went for a walk or sat around just because I had time. And I hate that. As much as I love directing and everything else I'm doing, and as much as I love this show, I cannot wait for February 27th. On February 27th, I am going to get a massage and then I'm going to come home and do nothing but lay around - because I won't have anything else that needs doing. It will be bliss.
I was reading my Bible yesterday morning after class, and I came across this verse:
O Lord, you alone are my hope.
I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.
Yes, you have been with me from birth;
from my mother’s womb you have cared for me.
No wonder I am always praising you!
Psalm 71: 5-6
I love this verse because it reminded me of everything that I've forgotten. God was caring for me even before I was born. He has held my hand for 22 years, and he has never failed me. So why do I always feel the need to be in control? Why do I try to take on life by myself? Isn't it a strange phenomenon that we can think so much rests on our shoulders, and yet we can go to sleep each night and somehow - miraculously - the world is still turning and functioning when we wake up? And it's like God is saying, "Well good morning. Look at everything I've been doing while you were asleep." If I would just continue to remember that he WANTS to take my cares and burdens, and HE is the one who can control everything that I worry about...life would be so much more peaceful.
So I've been on my knees repeatedly since yesterday morning. Prayer is being infused into my life in a powerful way. Come, Jesus. Come, peace. Come, joy.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Our Cracking Bones Make Noise
I don't quite have words today to say anything about how I'm feeling. But there is so much stirring inside me that I felt compelled to say something.
I feel utterly robbed of joy. I guess I can say that I'm happy...because happiness, to me, comes easily through the little things and friends who make me laugh. But I feel a huge void inside - one that's preventing me from feeling true joy.
I know that everything will work out and that things will become clear in time, but it's hard not to feel lost at a time like this.
I feel utterly robbed of joy. I guess I can say that I'm happy...because happiness, to me, comes easily through the little things and friends who make me laugh. But I feel a huge void inside - one that's preventing me from feeling true joy.
I know that everything will work out and that things will become clear in time, but it's hard not to feel lost at a time like this.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Fish Gotta Swim, Birds Gotta Fly
Anyone who has talked to me for more than ten minutes has quickly realized that theatre is a huge part of my life. It is one of my biggest passions, and I believe God has given me a heart that desires to act and teach.
I've started directing a musical review that I organized myself, and we open in just two weeks. It's such a crazy, chaotic, keeps-me-awake-every-night process. But I love it. It energizes me. I love putting something together and watching it grow and blossom with each passing day. I love seeing my cast reap the benefits of their hard work.
The other night after rehearsal, I was so exhausted that I just sat in the theatre after everyone left so I could catch my breath. It was so peaceful there. Just listening to the silence after all the chaos had left. I was so content to just be. There's something about an empty theatre that is so magical. The silence...the potential for sound...envisioning actors on the stage performing great works...hearing the music in my head from one musical after another...and just sitting and listening to the building hum. It's so hard to explain, but it really is magical.
And although I'm doing exactly what I love to do, I feel as if a part of me has died. At the end of the day, when I walk home, I feel an ache.
I feel an ache.
I've started directing a musical review that I organized myself, and we open in just two weeks. It's such a crazy, chaotic, keeps-me-awake-every-night process. But I love it. It energizes me. I love putting something together and watching it grow and blossom with each passing day. I love seeing my cast reap the benefits of their hard work.
The other night after rehearsal, I was so exhausted that I just sat in the theatre after everyone left so I could catch my breath. It was so peaceful there. Just listening to the silence after all the chaos had left. I was so content to just be. There's something about an empty theatre that is so magical. The silence...the potential for sound...envisioning actors on the stage performing great works...hearing the music in my head from one musical after another...and just sitting and listening to the building hum. It's so hard to explain, but it really is magical.
And although I'm doing exactly what I love to do, I feel as if a part of me has died. At the end of the day, when I walk home, I feel an ache.
I feel an ache.
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