It Goes On and On and On...

Two weeks ago I learned the true meaning of the phrase, "The show must go on." Five minutes before heading to our first dress rehearsal for The Last Night of Ballyhoo, I got a phone call from my mom. She very tearfully told me that she had to put my dog to sleep that day because of how sick she had gotten. I've had my puppy, Jazzi, since the sixth grade, and we were always together whenever I was home. She was probably the smartest dog I've ever met. She never learned any tricks and she couldn't be let outside unless she was on a leash or else she would run away. Most would blame this on stupidity. I stick to the idea that she was just too smart to do the stupid things we tried to get her to do. She knew there was no reason for it.

Anyway, I had to go to rehearsal right after the phone call, so I dried my tears and shuffled to the theatre. I had to consciously NOT think about it the entire night or else I dissolved into a weepy blob all over again. It was quite difficult, and I'm never one to hide what I'm feeling about things, so it was quite challenging. It still hits me hard sometimes when I see a little dog or something reminds me of it, but it's getting better. It sure will be weird, though, to go home and not see her waiting at the door for me. Yucky.

It's cold. So cold. I always liked winter...until I moved to Florida.

Anyway, my post-graduation options seem to be narrowing, which is a very good thing. I'm studying for the GRE...slowly, but surely. And I've found a few schools that I'd like to apply to, and I'm almost positive I can get into at least one of them. But we'll see. So the plan is to do a two or three year grad school study of theatre directing. After that, I can teach. Yay!

But last night, I realized that somewhere along the way of my search for what to do, I dropped the idea of performing after college. And I'm not quite sure what happened to it. Has my subconscious just been telling me that I'm not good enough to act professionally? Am I believing it? Or do I really just desire to direct more than perform? Am I too scared of the unknown and the possible rejection?

All these questions started filling my head at once, and they haven't really left yet. I presume the course I am on will not change, but it's just interesting to think about.

 

Oh, and I'm in love. It's fabulous.