Sometimes when I go to church I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not always good at focusing my attention on what's going on or what the pastor is saying. I am so easily distracted. And I feel like it's been a while since I fully engaged in a worship service. But tonight was different.
We're going through a series called "There's an App for That," and tonight's App was Worry. I've heard my fair share of sermons on Worry, but this one deeply affected me, and I know that it's because of where I am in life and because God so desperately wants me back.
It was one of those services which I kicked myself all the way through for not bringing my journal to take notes with. As someone who suffers from frequent anxiety and worry, I really needed to hear this sermon. Aside from the issue of plain worry, the pastor talked about keeping a "light grip" on the things in life. We have very little control over the day to day things that happen to us. And I realized that there are so many things in my life that I try to keep a firm grip on. Sometimes I even grasp them so hard that I ruin them. And when one of those things is taken from me, it's like the end of the world in my mind.
As soon as he said "light grip," I knew it was a phrase that would be sticking with me for a while. I can't count on a lot of things in life. People fail. Plans fall through. Things change. If I'm keeping a firm grip on anything, it should be my faith. "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."
How many times have I heard this verse? Dozens and dozens. How many times have I actually applied it to my life? Maybe once. I seek so many things. I fill my life with so many obligations and doings and I tell God that I can handle everything and still keep him at the top of my priorities...but I fail each and every time. And every time, after everything crumbles and falls apart, he is there waiting for me with open arms.
"I'm so unworthy, but still you love me. Forever my heart will sing of how great you are."
My life revolves around love. I am driven by my love and driven to love. But when is the last time that I let God's love be sufficient for me? And not only sufficient to fill me, but to overflow and touch those around me?
"Be my everything."
So lacking in trust. The epitome of "Ye of little faith." Seeking my satisfaction and fulfillment everywhere else. I have to change. I have to give him everything. I've let my sorrow and worry take up residence in my heart, and I have barred him from taking it. I have to stop worrying and just rest in the knowledge that God is already living in my future. How freeing to know that the Creator of the Universe, the Almighty God, the Alpha and Omega cares about everything in my life. And he wants me. He is jealous for me.
I am overwhelmed.
I'm so tired of living for myself and wasting my time. I want to soak up the love of Christ and unleash it on everyone around me, keeping a light grip on the things I cannot control and a strong hold on the One who has never failed me.
"So let your name be lifted higher, be lifted higher, be lifted higher.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Better Go and Get Your Armor
I am engaged in a full on battle with my heart. You've heard the sayings, "Follow your heart" and "Listen to your heart." And, granted, sometimes these sayings are applicable, but what do you do when your heart and your brain disagree? Why does the heart reject what it doesn't want to hear? Why does the heart lie?
Heart says, "I want this."
Brain says "It's not good for you."
Heart tells Brain to shut up and get with the program.
Brain submits.
But why? Why does Heart fully overrule all logic in my life? Everyone tells me the same thing. Everything I read says the same thing. There is a constant flow of positive facts and ideas entering Brain, and as they enter, Heart reaches up and slashes them to pieces.
I'm asking rhetorical questions here. Brain does not have feelings that can be hurt. Brain does not build emotional attachments. Brain simply holds information. Brain can be a beautiful place, full of memories and pictures and knowledge. But Heart is the one that responds to all those things. It doesn't just see a memory. It sees a happy memory. It sees a sad memory. It builds attachments and forms feelings. And when those things get broken or rejected, Heart immediately gets offended, throws a hissy fit, falls to pieces, and refuses to be convinced by Brain to go on.
If only Brain could be more convincing. If only it could work its magic a little faster. But thankfully, Brain has a longstanding relationship with Time, and Brain calls on Time for help in moments like this.
With Time's help, Heart will eventually forget why it threw a fit, and Brain will finally succeed in its attempted overruling. And Heart will wonder why it ever gave up in the first place because Brain will be so reassuring.
Heart is very fickle.
Heart says, "I want this."
Brain says "It's not good for you."
Heart tells Brain to shut up and get with the program.
Brain submits.
But why? Why does Heart fully overrule all logic in my life? Everyone tells me the same thing. Everything I read says the same thing. There is a constant flow of positive facts and ideas entering Brain, and as they enter, Heart reaches up and slashes them to pieces.
I'm asking rhetorical questions here. Brain does not have feelings that can be hurt. Brain does not build emotional attachments. Brain simply holds information. Brain can be a beautiful place, full of memories and pictures and knowledge. But Heart is the one that responds to all those things. It doesn't just see a memory. It sees a happy memory. It sees a sad memory. It builds attachments and forms feelings. And when those things get broken or rejected, Heart immediately gets offended, throws a hissy fit, falls to pieces, and refuses to be convinced by Brain to go on.
If only Brain could be more convincing. If only it could work its magic a little faster. But thankfully, Brain has a longstanding relationship with Time, and Brain calls on Time for help in moments like this.
With Time's help, Heart will eventually forget why it threw a fit, and Brain will finally succeed in its attempted overruling. And Heart will wonder why it ever gave up in the first place because Brain will be so reassuring.
Heart is very fickle.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Lookin Forward to Lookin Back
Books I'm Reading: Shakespeare's The Winter's Tale, John Ortberg's The Me I Want to Be
Music I'm listening to: Over the Rhine
^^ I used to put this info at the head of all my blog posts, but somewhere during the year I forgot...so I shall reinstate it.
I realized today that winter is the worst time to be down in the dumps. Everything in sight is dead or asleep. The grass, the trees, the crumpled, frozen flower. The sky is endlessly cloudy from one day to the next. It's frigidly cold and everyone hides themselves inside their coats as they briskly walk about.
I wish it were summer. I wish I could step outside in shorts and a t-shirt and go for a walk for hours just to get away and look at everything around me. I wish I could jump in my car and drive around the country side with the windows down, just letting the warm wind wash over my face and carry my fears and troubles away behind me. I wish I could go lay in a field and gaze up at the stars all night, seeking out the constellations.
I need winter to go away. I feel so trapped inside with nothing to do but to sit and think about everything that is troubling me. The cold drives me inside when everything in me wants to roam wherever I please.
But, as with most things, the great thing about winter is that spring is always right beyond the horizon, waving in the distance and promising light and warmth. No matter what, winter must come to an end. And when it does, spring will be there. New life, in all it's glory, will be there.
Have hope.
Music I'm listening to: Over the Rhine
^^ I used to put this info at the head of all my blog posts, but somewhere during the year I forgot...so I shall reinstate it.
I realized today that winter is the worst time to be down in the dumps. Everything in sight is dead or asleep. The grass, the trees, the crumpled, frozen flower. The sky is endlessly cloudy from one day to the next. It's frigidly cold and everyone hides themselves inside their coats as they briskly walk about.
I wish it were summer. I wish I could step outside in shorts and a t-shirt and go for a walk for hours just to get away and look at everything around me. I wish I could jump in my car and drive around the country side with the windows down, just letting the warm wind wash over my face and carry my fears and troubles away behind me. I wish I could go lay in a field and gaze up at the stars all night, seeking out the constellations.
I need winter to go away. I feel so trapped inside with nothing to do but to sit and think about everything that is troubling me. The cold drives me inside when everything in me wants to roam wherever I please.
But, as with most things, the great thing about winter is that spring is always right beyond the horizon, waving in the distance and promising light and warmth. No matter what, winter must come to an end. And when it does, spring will be there. New life, in all it's glory, will be there.
Have hope.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Hush Now
Pacing.
Pacing.
Pacing.
I couldn't sleep last night. I can't sit still. My mind is going ten thousand miles per hour. Where is peace?
Suddenly everything changes. My future lays before me, blank and staring, even more uncertain than before.
Wringing my hands.
The deepest of sighs.
The deepest ache.
"I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely."
"The Lord is good and does what is right; he shows the proper path to those who go astray."
"When I am afraid I will put my trust in you."
"You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh."
"Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me?"
Trying so hard to remind myself of the promises, of his faithfulness. Knowing his love for me is perfect. But today...where is peace?
Pacing.
Pacing.
I couldn't sleep last night. I can't sit still. My mind is going ten thousand miles per hour. Where is peace?
Suddenly everything changes. My future lays before me, blank and staring, even more uncertain than before.
Wringing my hands.
The deepest of sighs.
The deepest ache.
"I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely."
"The Lord is good and does what is right; he shows the proper path to those who go astray."
"When I am afraid I will put my trust in you."
"You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh."
"Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me?"
Trying so hard to remind myself of the promises, of his faithfulness. Knowing his love for me is perfect. But today...where is peace?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tommy Used to Work on the Docks
Recently I've been reading a book called "The Me I Want to Be" by John Ortberg. I think I've mentioned this before, but it has taken me an obscene amount of time to get through this book, not because it's boring but because it's so meaty. I feel like I can't read huge sections without being overwhelmed by all the great concepts to contemplate.
The section I'm in right now is about prayer, and it has been opening my eyes in incredible ways. John talks a lot about being "in the flow of the Spirit," and he says this on the subject of prayer:
"Prayer, more than any other single activity, is what places us in the flow of the Spirit. When we pray, hearts get convicted, sin gets confessed, believers get united, intentions get encouraged, people receive guidance, the church is strengthened, stubbornness gets melted, wills get surrendered, evil gets defeated, grace gets released, illness gets healed, sorrows are comforted, faith is born, hope is grown, and love triumphs."
I was just overwhelmed by this statement. I mean, I've known that these things are true about prayer, but to see them all together and realize how powerful prayer really is...it's so hard to explain, but it just caught me off-guard for a moment. Actually, I read this last night...so it caught me off-guard for about a day!
As I talked about in my last post, I've been having trouble with my emotions and letting them get the best of me. Granted, I'll always be wired with high emotions, but I've been letting them drain the life out of me. I was going through other parts of this book that I had highlighted weeks and even months ago, and I came across this question: "What can you feed your mind with so that it can flourish?"
Immediately I realized that I can't just take something out of my mind and expect it to be solved. I have to put something else IN...something for my mind to focus on. So often I listen to my own voice, the one that says, "You're not good enough. You're not pretty enough. Your life is a mess. You can't do this. This project is too overwhelming..." On and on. I have to get this voice out of my head, but I can't just leave it at that. I have to make room for a new voice. And it just so happens that I know the perfect voice to use. It's a voice that says things like, "In me, you are good enough. You are created in my image. Cast your anxiety on me. You can do all things through me. I will never give you more than you can handle..."
It's a voice that I will have to consciously invite into my mind every morning when I wake up. And maybe every afternoon. And probably some evenings, too, because I know the other voice will want to force its way back in. I'm thinking of prayer in a new way now. It doesn't have to be a lengthy, drawn out conversation with God that happens all in one setting. "The goal of prayer is to live all of my life and speak all of my words in the joyful awareness of the presence of God."
The joyful awareness. I'm okay with that.
The section I'm in right now is about prayer, and it has been opening my eyes in incredible ways. John talks a lot about being "in the flow of the Spirit," and he says this on the subject of prayer:
"Prayer, more than any other single activity, is what places us in the flow of the Spirit. When we pray, hearts get convicted, sin gets confessed, believers get united, intentions get encouraged, people receive guidance, the church is strengthened, stubbornness gets melted, wills get surrendered, evil gets defeated, grace gets released, illness gets healed, sorrows are comforted, faith is born, hope is grown, and love triumphs."
I was just overwhelmed by this statement. I mean, I've known that these things are true about prayer, but to see them all together and realize how powerful prayer really is...it's so hard to explain, but it just caught me off-guard for a moment. Actually, I read this last night...so it caught me off-guard for about a day!
As I talked about in my last post, I've been having trouble with my emotions and letting them get the best of me. Granted, I'll always be wired with high emotions, but I've been letting them drain the life out of me. I was going through other parts of this book that I had highlighted weeks and even months ago, and I came across this question: "What can you feed your mind with so that it can flourish?"
Immediately I realized that I can't just take something out of my mind and expect it to be solved. I have to put something else IN...something for my mind to focus on. So often I listen to my own voice, the one that says, "You're not good enough. You're not pretty enough. Your life is a mess. You can't do this. This project is too overwhelming..." On and on. I have to get this voice out of my head, but I can't just leave it at that. I have to make room for a new voice. And it just so happens that I know the perfect voice to use. It's a voice that says things like, "In me, you are good enough. You are created in my image. Cast your anxiety on me. You can do all things through me. I will never give you more than you can handle..."
It's a voice that I will have to consciously invite into my mind every morning when I wake up. And maybe every afternoon. And probably some evenings, too, because I know the other voice will want to force its way back in. I'm thinking of prayer in a new way now. It doesn't have to be a lengthy, drawn out conversation with God that happens all in one setting. "The goal of prayer is to live all of my life and speak all of my words in the joyful awareness of the presence of God."
The joyful awareness. I'm okay with that.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
At Last I Can See
Emotions have always been a difficult thing for me. A good friend in high school, a guy, once told me that he was going to make a chart to hang in his locker to document the dramatic rise and fall of my moods on a day to day basis. Four years later, during my senior year of college, another guy friend said to me, "There are a few people I would love to follow around for a day. You are one of them. I feel that if I followed you for just a day, I would experience every emotion known to man."
I like to laugh at these rather humorous statements, but unfortunately they contain some truth. I am highly emotional, and I usually show it, especially to those who are close to me. I also suffer from anxiety. I stress about the stupidest things to the point that I feel physically hindered. Needless to say, these two traits can make for a pretty disastrous mix.
Last night I came home from a less than perfect day to discover that my credit card payment was late for the second time, my plans to direct a show were falling apart, and a thousand things still needed to get done. Looking back on it now, it was silly to have such a strong reaction. But during the moment, it seemed like everything was out of control and nothing would get better unless I spent a decent amount of time worrying about it.
This feeling became stronger as the night went on, and as I crawled in bed my chest felt tight, my neck was stiff, and my mind was spinning. After trying to sleep for twenty minutes, I just started crying. I texted my boyfriend (who is wonderfully sweet and understanding), and kept him up for 20 more minutes just whining about how hopeless my life is. A little while later I fell asleep.
Waking up this morning, I felt absurd. I looked at the people around me who have lost family members in the past week, or are sick or going through terrible things that I couldn't imagine going through. And I was crying about a silly late payment and some stressful situations in my life. I have more than I could ever ask for. I have an amazing family, I have friends who care about me, I am getting a great education, I have a wonderful best friend who I'm crazy about...and I just won't let myself sit around in pity anymore.
I know that anxiety is a real thing and that I won't be able to help it if I feel stressed sometimes. And I can't help if it brings me down every now and then, but I have a choice as to how I respond to it. I can wallow, or I can do something about it. I'm not sure what that looks like yet because I'm so used to giving in to the pressure, but I want to handle this better from now on. I'm so sick of myself. And if I'm sick of myself, I can only imagine how the people closest to me feel.
As good as I feel today, I know that this change will not come easily or quickly. But I know that it's time to take steps. It's time to move on.
I like to laugh at these rather humorous statements, but unfortunately they contain some truth. I am highly emotional, and I usually show it, especially to those who are close to me. I also suffer from anxiety. I stress about the stupidest things to the point that I feel physically hindered. Needless to say, these two traits can make for a pretty disastrous mix.
Last night I came home from a less than perfect day to discover that my credit card payment was late for the second time, my plans to direct a show were falling apart, and a thousand things still needed to get done. Looking back on it now, it was silly to have such a strong reaction. But during the moment, it seemed like everything was out of control and nothing would get better unless I spent a decent amount of time worrying about it.
This feeling became stronger as the night went on, and as I crawled in bed my chest felt tight, my neck was stiff, and my mind was spinning. After trying to sleep for twenty minutes, I just started crying. I texted my boyfriend (who is wonderfully sweet and understanding), and kept him up for 20 more minutes just whining about how hopeless my life is. A little while later I fell asleep.
Waking up this morning, I felt absurd. I looked at the people around me who have lost family members in the past week, or are sick or going through terrible things that I couldn't imagine going through. And I was crying about a silly late payment and some stressful situations in my life. I have more than I could ever ask for. I have an amazing family, I have friends who care about me, I am getting a great education, I have a wonderful best friend who I'm crazy about...and I just won't let myself sit around in pity anymore.
I know that anxiety is a real thing and that I won't be able to help it if I feel stressed sometimes. And I can't help if it brings me down every now and then, but I have a choice as to how I respond to it. I can wallow, or I can do something about it. I'm not sure what that looks like yet because I'm so used to giving in to the pressure, but I want to handle this better from now on. I'm so sick of myself. And if I'm sick of myself, I can only imagine how the people closest to me feel.
As good as I feel today, I know that this change will not come easily or quickly. But I know that it's time to take steps. It's time to move on.
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