At Last I Can See

Emotions have always been a difficult thing for me. A good friend in high school, a guy, once told me that he was going to make a chart to hang in his locker to document the dramatic rise and fall of my moods on a day to day basis. Four years later, during my senior year of college, another guy friend said to me, "There are a few people I would love to follow around for a day. You are one of them. I feel that if I followed you for just a day, I would experience every emotion known to man."

I like to laugh at these rather humorous statements, but unfortunately they contain some truth. I am highly emotional, and I usually show it, especially to those who are close to me. I also suffer from anxiety. I stress about the stupidest things to the point that I feel physically hindered. Needless to say, these two traits can make for a pretty disastrous mix.

Last night I came home from a less than perfect day to discover that my credit card payment was late for the second time, my plans to direct a show were falling apart, and a thousand things still needed to get done. Looking back on it now, it was silly to have such a strong reaction. But during the moment, it seemed like everything was out of control and nothing would get better unless I spent a decent amount of time worrying about it.

This feeling became stronger as the night went on, and as I crawled in bed my chest felt tight, my neck was stiff, and my mind was spinning. After trying to sleep for twenty minutes, I just started crying. I texted my boyfriend (who is wonderfully sweet and understanding), and kept him up for 20 more minutes just whining about how hopeless my life is. A little while later I fell asleep.

Waking up this morning, I felt absurd. I looked at the people around me who have lost family members in the past week, or are sick or going through terrible things that I couldn't imagine going through. And I was crying about a silly late payment and some stressful situations in my life. I have more than I could ever ask for. I have an amazing family, I have friends who care about me, I am getting a great education, I have a wonderful best friend who I'm crazy about...and I just won't let myself sit around in pity anymore.

I know that anxiety is a real thing and that I won't be able to help it if I feel stressed sometimes. And I can't help if it brings me down every now and then, but I have a choice as to how I respond to it. I can wallow, or I can do something about it. I'm not sure what that looks like yet because I'm so used to giving in to the pressure, but I want to handle this better from now on. I'm so sick of myself. And if I'm sick of myself, I can only imagine how the people closest to me feel.

As good as I feel today, I know that this change will not come easily or quickly. But I know that it's time to take steps. It's time to move on.