Micah 6:8

I bought some chai latte mix yesterday at Whole Foods. I made it today and took it to class, and as I was sitting there sipping it, I logged onto Twitter and started typing "I am addicted to chai," in the little box. Because the truth is...I am.

That little box will only hold 140 characters.

140 characters, and I decided to say "I am addicted to chai."

And suddenly, right before hitting "enter," I thought to myself, "Why am I saying this? Why do I need the world to know that I am addicted to chai? What possible significance does that have to anyone in my life?"

I quickly erased those five words and closed the site. And that got me to wondering about my generation and our need to be heard. Our chapel speaker briefly hinted at this topic this morning and it left me thinking. I talked to a good friend about this over Christmas break and he said, "I think you could also call our generation one that wants to be heard...but wants someone else to do the work."

It's like Ingrid Michaelson's lyrics: "I want to change the world. Instead I sleep."

We sit and rant and rave about our feelings. We tell 345689 facebook friends that we feel sick, what band we're currently into, what we did this morning, and what we think of a certain movie. Do you ever stop to think of why we do this? Why are we so compelled to tell everything to everyone?

Even before social networking became so popular, I remember getting emails from friends that were full of "50 Things You Don't Know About Me." I'd breeze through theirs and then sit down to erase all of their obviously irrelevant answers and fill in my own...which were way more important and witty (please note my sarcasm). I'd then re-send it out to all my friends. But, let's be honest, very few people care about what my favorite color is, my favorite movie, how many times I've broken a bone, or what I like to collect. The truth is that probably 99.9% of the people who received that email from me didn't even take the time to read my answers, but quickly filled in their own...just like I did.

So what is it about humanity...the intense need to be known...even at the most basic, innocent level (ex. you now know that I am addicted to chai. so what?). And our technology is encouraging it. Facebook asks me everyday, "What's on your mind?" Twitter asks, "What's happening?" But who really cares? If everyone is busy shouting out their own feelings and doings, who is actually getting heard? Anyone? Are we all just voices in the crowd, shouting in vain?

I think we've established that our generation really wants to be heard. But what about wanting someone else to do the work? I'll admit that sometimes writing about an issue makes me feel like I'm actually doing something about it. But am I? Probably not. Sure, I can make other people aware of something, but then what? I don't have these answers yet. I don't fully understand humans or the psychology of this issue enough to really say a whole lot or come up with a lot of resolutions.

I think I am in a place in life where I need to do a little less "talking." I've tried this before (at the beginning of the year, I believe), but I failed. Instead of making everything I say be about me, I want to speak in a way that encourages and spurs others on. I want to be a voice of joy, a voice of positivity, a voice that brings hope in a world full of struggle and heartache. Because I know I need it. And if I need it, I'm sure other people do, too. And I don't fully know how to do this yet, and that's why I feel like I need to be quiet. I want to listen. I want to hear what other people are dealing with so that I know how to help. I want to find ways to be encouraging in general, even when I don't necessarily feel like being positive.

So this is me...trying again. Trying not to just talk, but to act. I will be doing my absolute best to say nothing at all (and I'm still speaking mostly about what I say on social networking sites, but I want it to infuse my real conversation as well) unless I think it can positively impact those around me.

Here we go.

 

Hollywood Tonight

I've been having a lot of good conversations with trusted friends about the future and life recently. I've been calling it my "Pre-Mid-Life Crisis." I'm at the point where I'm ready to be done with college but not quite ready for the next step. And, even then, I hate the thought of leaving all the people here. But I guess that's just the way things go.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I'm starting to learn a lot about myself. For instance, I've been learning that because I'm such a "planner," it's hard for me to not spend all my time worrying about the future and miss the present. A good friend and mentor reminded me the other day that I don't want to look back at these last few months of college and regret that I spent the whole time fretting and worrying about what the next step was. Good point.

I've also been learning that I don't have to devote my entire life to just one passion. I love theatre and directing and I know that I want to teach it to others. But I've been thinking for the longest time that theatre is the only thing that I can pursue because of how much time and sacrifice it takes. And I've realized the past few weeks that I'm not okay with that. There are so many other things I want to do. And a big one of those "things" is helping people...and not just teaching them or giving them a push of encouragement, but helping people who are incapable of helping themselves.

Over the past year and a half (and I know I've mentioned this before so forgive me, the broken record), God has been stirring and breaking my heart for people who don't have food or clean water. He has been showing me how blessed I am, how often I take those blessings for granted, and ways that I can use my blessings to bless others. It seems so unfair to me. I did nothing to deserve the this life I have. And yet I am so safe, comfortable, and provided for. And others out there were born into lives that are full of struggle, disease, starvation, and discomfort. Why should I keep everything to myself? I want to share what I have. I want to help.

And I want to love. I want to love the family and friends around me. I want to love a husband someday. I want to love little Janelle's and _______'s someday as they toddle around the house. I want to dress them in ridiculous, cute clothes, be a pro PB&J maker (with crusts cut off, of course), take them on tons of zoo trips, and sing them to sleep.

It makes me sad that I've thought for so long that I can only choose one of these things. But I don't have to. I have so much time. And I will learn to step back and say, "Okay. What is most important here?" instead of having tunnel vision.

And, even now, I still haven't fully grasped this yet. I still feel hazy about what I'm even writing. But it's there and it's processing and it's growing. It's like I haven't known myself for as long as I've been alive and only now do I realize it. So much to learn.

So I don't know where the next year will take me. Maybe I'll be in grad school, maybe I'll wait a while. Maybe I'll get this job that I really want, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll fall in love, maybe I won't. So many maybe's. So many possibilities. So many adventures.

 

I Feel You Here

There has been a stirring me for the past few days. Maybe it's because I've had time to sit and think about my life - something I don't usually get to do. Maybe it's because I've been reading a lot. Or maybe it's something else. But I've been feeling restless. I have a growing hunger to do something that really matters. Something that will help hurting people. To take part in something bigger than myself. I really don't know what it is yet, but I want to figure it out.

I've been having this feeling on and off for the past year and a half or so, and I have yet to see where it's leading. I want to get involved in ministries that provide food for third world countries. I've started investing in TOMS shoes, deciding that all my spare change will go towards new pairs of shoes - thus providing someone else with new pairs. But I want to do more.

Don't get me wrong, I love theatre and I know that it's supposed to be a huge part of my life...but there's something more for me out there. Something I can do alongside my other passions. I just want to figure it out.

Everything I Am

Well, it's been an interesting Spring Break so far. Besides spending seven hours scraping paint off the floor of a TV studio, I have spent a fair amount of time at coffee shops doing work, memorizing lines, filling out grad school applications, and realizing how free life is without facebook. I thought I would have a really hard time going without it, but it's actually been quite freeing. I don't waste nearly as much time, and I don't really feel like I'm missing out on anything. Perhaps this is made easier knowing that I'll be back on it by Sunday...but I like to think that I'm doing pretty well at it.

God was definitely very present in my day today. I settled down at a coffee shop to do some work and surf the web, but I couldn't get my computer to connect to the network. After multiple tries, I resigned to reading a book that I've been working on for about six months. I had about twenty pages left, and I ended up finishing it during my time there. It's taken me so long to finish not because it's a boring book, but because it's a really good book that takes a while to fully digest.

I've been very aware that I'm going through a rough patch as of late, and I felt like today was the perfect day for me to finish this book because of what it had to say specifically to me. The first thing that caught me:

"The best version of you is a hoper, because the Spirit of life is a spirit of hope...there is always hope - which is not based on circumstances, but rather is an inner disposition."

This rings so true for me. I have always had trouble separating my attitude from my circumstances. My attitude usually always directly relates to my current circumstances. But then I read this:

"What can I build my life on that circumstances cannot rob me of? I can always ask, "How would the person I most want to be face this situation?"

When I think of the people I most want to be, I think of joyful people. They're not annoyingly happy every second of the day, but they know how to quietly and gently handle their trials. And they keep their firm foundation no matter what they're going through.

So anyway, I read about these in this book. Later I took an online personality/spiritual assessment online that the book recommended, and it recommended that I learn to grow in trust. And, again, it mentioned not letting your circumstances dictate your attitude. It talked about worry, anxiety and fear.

So I started writing. I made a list of all the times I can remember when I was freaking out with anxiety and God came through for me. Times I can look back on and think, "Why was I every worried about that?" It's amazing how helpful it is to look at this list. And now, when I'm anxious or fearful about something, I can go find this list and remember all the times before.

And who knew that I'd have to put this new knowledge into practice so soon? Just an hour after reading all this, I got an email from a grad school I wanted to get into, denying my admission. After my initial uber-disappointment wore off, I realized that I could let it affect the rest of my week, or I could shrug it off and hope for the better things I know are to come. How liberating!

We sang this song when I was in high school, and during that time my gym teacher was going through chemo for breast cancer, and she was so moved by this song. I've remembered it ever since. This obviously isn't my high school, but it's the best video I could find.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8zb1tMmbMY&feature=related

Miles Apart

Well, here we are. It's time for Spring Break. After having incredible spring break adventures in the past, I was looking forward to what this final year would hold. But, sadly, all previous plans fell through and I will be staying in this tiny, deserted town for the week.

At first I was super bummed. I'm stuck here? The very place I want to take a break from? While everyone else is soaking up the southern sun for the week, I'll be trapped under the freezing clouds. No one around. Nothing to do.

But as I've been thinking about it more, I'm a little bit excited. Having nothing in particular to do leaves room for infinite possibilities. So I plan to do some exploring. I want to spend lots of time at coffee shops around Lexington. I want to read. I want to watch Fringe (thanks, Jen). I want to catch up on Glee. I want to finally organize my iTunes (I literally have about 1,000 duplicates). I want to get some work done on my directed study. I want to walk around downtown and just be. Just watch people. Maybe write.

But the main thing I want to do this week is just listen. I feel like I haven't been seeking God enough about my future lately, and there are just so many unknowns. I plan to be off facebook for the week to limit out a major distraction in my life, and I just want to be a sponge. I know that just because I'm opening myself up doesn't mean God is just going to lay his plans before me, but I want to be specifically focused on just being open for whatever he wants to reveal.

So I'm excited. I have a feeling that my plans didn't work out for a specific reason, and I'm looking forward to whatever else is in store. It should be a good week!