Hollywood Tonight

I've been having a lot of good conversations with trusted friends about the future and life recently. I've been calling it my "Pre-Mid-Life Crisis." I'm at the point where I'm ready to be done with college but not quite ready for the next step. And, even then, I hate the thought of leaving all the people here. But I guess that's just the way things go.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I'm starting to learn a lot about myself. For instance, I've been learning that because I'm such a "planner," it's hard for me to not spend all my time worrying about the future and miss the present. A good friend and mentor reminded me the other day that I don't want to look back at these last few months of college and regret that I spent the whole time fretting and worrying about what the next step was. Good point.

I've also been learning that I don't have to devote my entire life to just one passion. I love theatre and directing and I know that I want to teach it to others. But I've been thinking for the longest time that theatre is the only thing that I can pursue because of how much time and sacrifice it takes. And I've realized the past few weeks that I'm not okay with that. There are so many other things I want to do. And a big one of those "things" is helping people...and not just teaching them or giving them a push of encouragement, but helping people who are incapable of helping themselves.

Over the past year and a half (and I know I've mentioned this before so forgive me, the broken record), God has been stirring and breaking my heart for people who don't have food or clean water. He has been showing me how blessed I am, how often I take those blessings for granted, and ways that I can use my blessings to bless others. It seems so unfair to me. I did nothing to deserve the this life I have. And yet I am so safe, comfortable, and provided for. And others out there were born into lives that are full of struggle, disease, starvation, and discomfort. Why should I keep everything to myself? I want to share what I have. I want to help.

And I want to love. I want to love the family and friends around me. I want to love a husband someday. I want to love little Janelle's and _______'s someday as they toddle around the house. I want to dress them in ridiculous, cute clothes, be a pro PB&J maker (with crusts cut off, of course), take them on tons of zoo trips, and sing them to sleep.

It makes me sad that I've thought for so long that I can only choose one of these things. But I don't have to. I have so much time. And I will learn to step back and say, "Okay. What is most important here?" instead of having tunnel vision.

And, even now, I still haven't fully grasped this yet. I still feel hazy about what I'm even writing. But it's there and it's processing and it's growing. It's like I haven't known myself for as long as I've been alive and only now do I realize it. So much to learn.

So I don't know where the next year will take me. Maybe I'll be in grad school, maybe I'll wait a while. Maybe I'll get this job that I really want, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll fall in love, maybe I won't. So many maybe's. So many possibilities. So many adventures.